The Fagulous Blog!

Cross-Gender Rape?

2008-09-10T23:52:00.000-04:00

Hey Y'all,

What's even better than the fact that an all new production of my naughty backstage sex comedy "The Rape of the Lock" is premiering this Thursday September 11?

THE FACT THAT IT'S A CROSS-GENDER CAST!

Yes, that's right. Pope's a lady, the Baron's missing a sword and Belinda is wearing a wig for a whole new reason. (But Jews and Arabs would still worship her cross where it rests, just because the cross rests on the cleft of her breasts!)

Featuring: ALL NEW MATERIAL!

And don't forget old favorites like: POPE TELLING BELINDA WHAT TO DO SHOULD SHE FIND HERSELF BEING FISTED!

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out this nifty synopsis provided by the producers:

THE RAPE OF THE LOCK
In this theatricalization of his classic 18th Century epic poem, Alexander Pope is portrayed as the crankiest playwright ever, as five actors alternately suffer under and subvert his tyrannical direction. The "lock" in question is a precious, perfect, curly lock of hair on the lovely and vain Belinda's head, and the "rape" of that lock by the lustful and determined Baron involves not only a pair of scissors, but an inevitable trail of gossip, jealousy, rivalry, seduction, conquest, and revenge.

WHEN & WHERE
September 11-28, Thurs - Sat @ 8pm, Sun @ 2pm
Duo Theatre
62 East 4th Street (Betw. Bowery and 2nd Ave)
Subways: 6, N, R, W, F, V, B, D

DISCOUNT TICKETS
Use code BOGO - Buy one full price get the second one at half off! (reg. $19). Offer available only on Friday and Saturday evenings. Call 212-592-1885.

Get More Info

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE PRODUCTION COMPANY AT
www.judithshakespeare.org

XOXO,
PAUL HAGEN

WANT MORE RIGHT NOW?
Tune in for a great podcast with Joanne Zipay, Paul Hagen, and Martin Denton on NYTheatre.com:
(Did I recite Belinda's monologue off the cuff? Oh, yes I did.)
http://www.nytheatrecast.com/wordpress/archives/134

Check out Jane Titus in a short video snippet talking about the show on StageBuddy.com:
(Jane is our fabulous director!)
http://stagebuddy.com/listingdetail.php?lid=84

Pass the Cheesecake, Ma!

2008-06-12T12:45:00.003-04:00

Hey Nurses!
Time to dust this blog off! I couldn't help but do a post about our favorite girls - no, not Samantha, Charlotte, Carrie and the lesbian red head, THE GOLDEN GIRLS!!!!
Yep, they took the TV Land Awards by storm this week with a powerful rendition of "I Will Survive" – ummmm yeah. What they did do was receive a much deserved Pop Culture Icon Award. Congrats ladies! Keep being our friends – I’d travel down that road and back again with you any day, Betty. For your enjoyment, here are some photos. Bea Arthur’s choice of footwear was unfortunate, but she is 86 so she can do whatever the hell she wants (except wear flip-flops).

Happy New Year, Nurses!

2007-12-31T09:37:00.000-05:00

Let me be the first nurse here to wish y'all a happy, healthy, and (yes) fagulous 2008!
Here's my pick for the New Baby New Year.
Have fun tonight!

love
-d.

Albus, that's a FABULOUS hat!

2007-10-20T11:54:00.000-04:00

At a recent Carnegie Hall appearance, J.K. Rowling revealed to a packed house that Dumbledore was gay. She just flat out said it. And apparently, he'd had an unrequited love of Grindelwald. That explains so much for me. That nurse was an old queen! Hee!(Tim Gunn as Albus Dumbledore)

You can knock on my door anytime...

2007-09-13T17:08:00.000-04:00

Whoah Nurses!

Just saw this on Huffington Post and was immediately...erm...titillated. God (apologies to ya, baby) only knows how many "I corrupt a pair of Mormon missionaries who knock on my door just as I'm getting out of the shower" fantasies I've had in my life (2, 345 and counting). Apparently, he/she heard me, and has sent a bromide in the form of this calendar. See what happens when recently returned, hunky Mormon missionaries fall into a vat of bronzer, get waxed into pre-pubescence, and airbrushed into Star-Trek-Alien-Chick-esque mistiness. This has only poured kerosene on the section of my loins that already burns for the Latter Day Lads, but I'll learn to live with the pain. Enjoy!

(Incidentally, given the music choice for this video, I find myself scratching my head about who could possibly be their target demographic...)

ps. Matt -- "TOO FAT, TOO HAAAAIRY!"

Big Gold Phalluses will light your way... (Fagulous?)

2007-08-07T09:22:00.000-04:00

Yes, Nurses...

I sadly depart NYC for Chicago this week, after 5 years of creating filthy, gorgeous art with Ginger and others, and also starving (which is how I keep my girlish figure, really). I will, of course, be looking out for some fagulousness there to report on, as the de facto midwest Nurse-on-the-Scene.

I will begin by pointing out that the part of Lakeview East that is primarily home to "the gay" in Chicago is called Boystown. Boystown underwent some major reconstruction in the late 90's (much like Rocco DiSpirito...did you notice how pretty he was on Top Chef...mmm, bet there's some bigass ear scars on that nurse, mkay). In planning for the beautification, the city thought that the best way to "celebrate" the "queers" would be to "erect" 11 pairs of art deco penises, adorned with rainbow rings (remember those!?).
So these giant gold penises, adorned with severely dated fashion accessories, mark where the gays are, and, apparently, would be really helpful if you needed to land a small plane on Halsted St.

So I'm off, y'all, but I'll be back periodically for the next two years, and probably more permanently after that. I'll miss you all, but we always have The Fagulous Blog.

Also, for anyone bored enough to want to check it out, I'll be blogging periodically from by Splurnberry in the Uhaul during my cross-half-the-country trek at driouxcipher.blogspot.com .

love and big sloppy kisses...

UPDATE: Rocco guest blogged for Padma (who is busy divorcing Salman Rushdie) this week and denied having work done. Said he lost 30 pounds getting ready for a triathlon. Would that it were...

(LINKS: Bravo, USAToday)

Good Night, Tammy

2007-07-22T03:28:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen and Others, let us all take a moment to remember Tammy Faye, who was - in her way - quite fagulous. Wherever her spirit has travelled, we send her our love.

Tammy Faye Messner
1942 - 2007

IDOLFAN666: THIS IS SO EFFING GREAT!

2007-07-03T01:25:00.000-04:00

Y'all.

Y'all. Y'all. Y'all.

I have a new nominee for most worthless thing on the internet, and it is this interview - via AIM -with American Idol winner Jordin Sparks.

Really and truly, I just kept reading because I fell into the trap of believing that in order for something to be published by a major media outlet, it must contain some sort of content, but there is no light at the end of this empty, empty tunnel.

I warn you; you may get sucked into the vapidity.

The Doctor is OUT!

2007-06-15T10:39:00.000-04:00

Doctor Who is cool again. It is also considerably queerer than it ever was in its long-wool-scarf/wobbly-spaceship-walls heyday in the 70's. Consider for a moment:

-- "Queer as Folk" creator Russell T Davies brought the franchise back and is the head writer, script editor and executive producer. He is a big Welsh nurse of a queen.

-- Star David Tennant has injected a welcome dose of hipster-hotness to the role.

-- Broadway-musical star (and giant 'mo) John Barrowman plays a recurring character who will sleep with ANYONE or ANYTHING!

But also, please consider that the programme's legions and legions of gay male fans are finally getting their due at the fagulous London Pride festivities:

"As reported by PinkNews, the final episode of Series Three of Doctor Who, The Last of the Time Lords, is being broadcast on the same day as the London Pride Festival...
Organizers of the event, in an effort to not make gay Who fans choose between the annual celebration,... plan to carry the live BBC broadcast of the episode at 7:10 p.m. on a big screen at the event's main stage in Trafalgar Square. And if that's not enough to get gay fans out to the event, they've also arranged to have John Barrowman co-host the event with Graham Norton. The event kicks off at 3:00 following the Pride parade through town and concludes with the broadcast of [the Series Three finale]."

The fagulosity (Barrowman AND Graham Norton!?!) and sheer geekiness of this event nearly puts me over the edge.

Ah...to be in England...in the summertime...with Doctor Who...and a sea of 'mos...
What bliss!

(News clipping courtesy of Outpost Gallifrey. Photos from Auntie Beeb.)

The Kelly Clarkson Debate

2007-06-13T00:13:00.000-04:00

Miss Kelly, at her best, is a spectacular vocalist. I think even her first and less listened-to album "Thankful" is a great album to listen to - whatever you think about the quality of the songs themselves - because she sang the shit out of them. I must admit nurses, though, that I'm perplexed by this situation with her managers and her fued with Clive Davis. Here's why...

A) I've been listening to tracks from the new and hotly contested album "My December" on AOL first listen and I have to say they sound like B-sides from Breakaway. Does "Never Agiain" not sound like a poor man's Since U Been Gone? And does it not make a certain amount of NO SENSE? Like how one minute she'll be with you forever and then the next moment you're never gonna have her again? Perhaps if the song was titled Spectral-Ex-Girlfriend-With-Mixed-Motives I would give more of a shit.

B) I really don't approve of Kelly constantly singing these songs that damage her voice. Did you hear her attempting to perform "Since U Been Gone" at the Olympics? She's just screeching; no sound is able to come out. I understood one album of angry girl songs but maybe she really did all she could with that and now it's time for her to pull a Christina and morph into Baby Jane?

C) People keep assuming that this brush up is about Clive Davis to not want Kelly to write her own songs, as though he were in some way anti-Kelly as a writing artist, a Mr. Burns going "mwoo-ha-ha" as he denied her the right to express herself. But could it be that the songs she worked on just turned out to be not that good? And considering that his obligation as a producer is to sell albums to people who liked her singing a higher caliber song, why shouldn't he object? And considering the new album isn't as good, why shouldn't her fans object? And considering she's an artist, why shouldn't she do whatever the hell she wants anyway despite the objections of fans and producers because that's what artists do - they expore and sometimes it leads to hits and sometimes it leads to misses?

D) Why is this news? This is old as the struggle between art and commerce. When Amy Winehouse's label wants to fire her for vomitting on fans, that's news because she's doing something outrageous. When an evil corporate entity tries to squash an artist for expressing unpopular political opinions, that's news because that's outrageous. What's happening here seems like the age old push and pool of production companies wanting control and artists wanting freedom, and I just can't believe how I keep getting rooked into clicking on these headlines and then once again nothing that interesting has happened.

So, fagulous nurses, what do we think? Is anyone in the right here? Should we be ragging on Clive or Kelly or should we just stop paying so much attention?

It's a Homo Musical Spectacular!

2007-06-03T11:12:00.000-04:00

"Ladies" and Ladies and Gentlemen (and Gentle "Men"),

I wrote and directed a show, y'all! And it's hilarious as watching someone you hate get hit by a bus right after they kicked your dog!

It's called "Fitz & Walloughs Get It in the End!" It's the story of two Kiki & Herb-esque cabaret stars who write all their own material based on the sudden and wierd murders of Fitz's many, many, many, many lovers. Check out FitzandWalloughs.com for more info about the pair and to hear sample songs (co-written by fagulous's own driouxcipher -who plays Walloughs - and Micah Bucey - who plays Fitz. You may remember them as Micah! and Drew? in our fagulous Fringe Festival show "The Only Thing Straight is My Jacket!") like their holiday favorite "Fuck Me for Christmas!"

Idol Musings (Reprise): I thought his name was Sangina!

2007-05-28T22:49:00.000-04:00

So it was a joke. That really was Sanjaya. Will Ferrell made him do it (!?) I'm sad, kind of, but I don't care enough to let it spoil my cocktail. And no...It's not a good thing, you whacking great poof!

Sanjaya - The Hoax Revealed

PS. Still waiting on confirmation as to whether or not Simon is a 75-year-old Asian woman. Perhaps he's really WING!

PPS. If he is WING, what does that say about Ryan Seacrest's taste in men. And, ergo, Teri Hatcher's taste in men...and ergo...does that mean Teri Hatcher's a man? YOU DECIDE!

Idol Musings: Sanjaya as legitimate art?

2007-05-23T12:38:00.000-04:00

I find myself confounded by this. But if this is true, it may be one of the greatest hoaxes perpetrated by an art-fag. What do YOU think?!
(vid courtesy TMZ)

Anti-Fagulous, or Why was this such unwatchable dreck?!

2007-05-18T00:01:00.000-04:00

Bravo TV (Motto: Gayer than Logo) made me forget for a while that I am a complete snob when it comes to reality TV by putting Project Runway on the air. I was late to the festivities – jumping on the bandwagon during Season Three – but it goes without saying that Project Runway is decidedly fagulous, and yes…I watch a reality show now…
PR was followed immediately by Top Chef. Whilst all of the contestants wearing white – after Labor Day – for the entire season was much less glamourous, the show had good-looking men (nerdy/cute Ilan, hunky/handsome Sam), forced dramatic tension (the constant vilification of pixie-haired Marcel), some fabulous women (Ilia’s accent, Josie’s sheer dyke-itude, Padma’s face having been Botoxed™ into the next solar system, etc.), and competitors who had to execute tasks requiring skill and artistry. I felt, though not as visually stimulating, that it was certainly a worthy space filler for the PR-shaped-vacuum.

But So Then…

When I started seeing bus adverts for Top Design, I thought that one of two things was going to happen: (A) Bravo was going to have yet another watchable (and, clearly, at least faggy) time killer before Season Four or, (B) Bravo had squeezed the last drop of ambrosia from the udder of the HomoShow Cow, and Top Design was going to be the equivalent of a titty dry-heaving. Within moments of the first episode, I realized that the answer was a RESOUNDING (B).

Top Design dares you to look at it. Not in a cool, ballsy way, like The Shield. And not in a weird, arty way, like Carnivale. It dares you to look at it in the way that an open vat of medical waste dares you to look at it.

Look deep into the bloody mess…

Let’s begin at the beginning. Todd Oldham is a lovely man. I know this because you can tell from his unscripted moments, the fact that people I know have met him and said so, and that he hangs out with Amy Sedaris a lot. So, like, he must be cool. The producers apparently thought that the best thing to do with an all-‘round excellent person was to pump him full of Botox™ and make him read cuecards splattered with text that could not have sounded more strained were it emerging from a prolapsed rectum. Having given Todd a complete Nelly-ectomy, the producers then rounded up the most unlikable, whiny, spoiled, incompetent and totally unprofessional stable of “designers” to “compete” in this “whatever-it-is." All of them seemed to be lacking in at least three of the following areas:
• social skills
• collaborative abilities of any kind
• the capacity to tailor a room to a client’s needs
• dress sense
• personal hygiene
• an ego consistent with their talent
• artistic aptitude (one of them didn’t know how to paint(!))
• any sort of design capability
…and the list goes on. You think you’d need these things to…I dunno… BE AN INTERIOR DESIGNER?!?!!? Who the fuck cares about any of these obnoxious fucking people? Goil was the only one who seemed to have any sort of clear vision, and the means to actually execute that vision, and he got sent home three weeks before the end.
What’s the fucking point?!

And then there are the judges. I want to know how in the hell Kelly Wearstler can wear what she wears and judge ANYONE?! On one episode, she was wearing what can only be described as the unholy collision of a Dickensian mourning dress, Snow White’s puffy-sleeved corset-thing, and a tube top. Other times she has worn clothing that looked as though Vincent from Project Runway puked, and that puke designed her clothing (Thank you, Mr. Mamet!). Jonathan Adler doesn’t fare much better with his shockingly wide, day-glo ties (is that a quintuple Windsor?) and his constant refusal to match (colour/pattern/anything). These people are famous for their TASTE?!?!! It beggars the imagination! And I don’t even have time for Margaret’s shrill, pinched, librarian-in-a-wind-tunnel affectations. How can anyone take the opinions of these people seriously? It’s just an abortion. A giant star-child-from-2001-sized abortion.

So Now Then…

What should have been an exercise in some serious fagulosity winds up being nothing more than a bunch of tasteless judges appraising the work of obnoxious designers. I wouldn’t hire any of these people to design my worst enemy’s doghouse. The one person I cared about was poor, personality-neutered Todd, and that’s only because I was busy planning his escape routes.
What a fucking train wreck!
(Todd: A leather-clad extraction team, outfitted with emergency doses of fetish porn and amyl nitrate, is coming for you at the Pacific Design Center next week. We want you to live!)

UPDATE:
Bravo’s next reality show: Shear Genius – a hair-stylist competition hosted by motherfucking Jaclyn Smith, is on right now. All I can do is shake my head and sigh. The tombstone of Top Design casts its shadow over everything.

Tim and Heidi cannot arrive too soon!

Donna's Birthday

2007-05-16T08:46:00.000-04:00

Happy Brithday Tori Spelling! One of the most talented actresses of our time. The lady is celebrating her 34th. My favorite quote from Miss Thang.

"Doesn't anybody here get it?
I'm not a lesbian, I don't
want to move to New Jersey...
and where's the cheese
where's the cheese on these goddamn fucking fries?" - Trick

Don't Cha Wanna Be In PCD?

2007-03-08T10:38:00.000-05:00

Ohhh nurse. The Pussy Cat Doll's Present: The Search for the Next Doll. This might be Miss All Beef Patty's new favorite show. It is ridonkulous. Please check it out for the following reasons...

1. The bitches can't sing.
2. Some of da bitches can't dance.
3. A quality valued is the ability to be made-over cuz right now you look like shat.
4. Asia is a baby momma with a vocabulary the size of a Highlights magazine.
5. You hear things like, "my dream", "icon", "make me proud" and "the virus".
6. Mariela
7. None of these girls like each other.
8. Don't Cha is played on loop throughout the show.

I like Melissa and Mariela. If they don't win, gurl, I'ma gonna be pissed.

Here is a YouTube video of sexy men with PCD's "Hot Stuff"

Idol Me This: Ready to Call the Final 12

2007-02-27T21:38:00.000-05:00

Well, nurses, I'm loving me some Idol. This year I even watched me those first few episodes when all the sad people sing to reaffirm my decision to never audition for this show, despite what I said when I was Drunk, Bitch. Anyway, we just saw the Top 10 Guys, and - I guess last week was some kind of fluke - but I finally can see a Final 6. And enough of the girls pulled it out like Mace on a Mugger last week to give us a good sense of them. So here's how we're gonna paint it, laides. Hope you like the shade:

For the BOYS, we're gonna go with...

Blake “Beatboxing his Way to Your Heart” Lewis
Brandon “The Backup Singer Who felt it for for Grandma” Rogers
Chris “The Timberlookalike who Made Jason Mraz Cool” Richardson
Sundance “Mustang Sally” Head
Phil “Leave Your Hat On, Please” Stacey
Chris “Who Jack Osbourne Ought to Have Been” Sligh

Meeting these GIRLS on the battlefield...
Lakisha “Look Out, Jennifer Hudson” Jones
Stephanie “Down On Your Knees” Edwards
Melinda “Shoulderpads” Doolittle
Sabrina “Sing the Song and as Many Other Notes as Possible” Sloan
Jordin “Gives Many Reasons to Stay Here” Sparks
Leslie “The Dogwalker” Hunt

Meaning we'll see these folks GOING HOME...
Haley “The Mannequin” Scarnato
Jared “Hot but Off Key” Cotter
Nicholas “Forgot the Words Last Year” Pedro
Alaina “You’ll Have to Get By On Your Looks” Alexander
AJ “So Gay It Hurts To Look Directly at You” Tabaldo
Antonella “Under the Jersey Shore Boardwalk” Barba
Gina “Idol Superfan” Glockseb
Sanjaya “Babyface” Malakar

POSSIBLE SPOILERS...
Sanjaya and Antonella, despite underwhelming performances, did huge numbers in terms of votes according to the pretty trustworthy folks over at DialIdol.com. That's indicative of the kind of "I don't care if you suck" fan base that keeps people like Jasmine Trias in this competition.

All right, Idolaters, tell me I'm wrong! You know you want to, you opinionated bitches...

Faginal Reconstruction

2007-01-26T12:47:00.000-05:00

Kittens and Nurses and Bitches, Etc.,

Hey, all you fagulous fans out there. I just wanted to take a quick moment to let y'all know that we appreciate how patient you've been with us over the past few months. Major changes are underway at the Fagulous Blog; so we haven't had as much time to post as we'd like. But soon we'll be back with a revised cast of Fagulous Posters, who you'll get to know and love/hate more than ever, plus exciting new features that'll have you ejaculating prematurely, they're so spectacular! In the meantime, enjoy the Fagulous archives and what updates we manage to get up during this transitional period. Plus, post your suggestions, wish lists, criticisms, etc. right here, and we'll try to respond to 'em better than a baby-shakin' nanny.

Sloppy Blowjobs,
Ginger

American Idol 2007: The Pain! The Pain!

2007-01-17T12:47:00.000-05:00

What's there to say about these first episodes of Idol? The misery seems more palpable than ever. Could it be that, faced with stadiums full of wanna-be's and — if the judge's publicity interviews are to be believed - the hugest collection of losers ever to parade past the cameras - that they're trying to spare some people heartache by scaring them away from auditions?

And speaking of "scary" and American Idol Has anyone checked out Kat McPhee's album preview on AOL's First Listen? Judge for yourselves, but I was a huge McPhee Phan last year and even I would rate these efforts as obnoxiously shiteous. But congrats on taking a page out of Tyred Banks' book with the album cover photo. (Soon they're gonna start attaching special strips of fabric to dresses for pulling them down over your crotch in spread-eagle publicity photos - there will be an entire episode of Project Runway dedicated to it!)

In better news, there are about four tracks on FANTASIA worth stepping in from the ledge for, and newly-Globed Jennifer Hudson's album is on its way! I couldn't really care less about the other releases from past contestants - anyone out there give half a shit about Daughtry's phenomenal success, Taylor's aural geritol or Pickler's putresence?

You Caption It #46

2006-12-14T10:03:00.000-05:00

NORAH FRIGGIN' JONES!

You Caption It #45

2006-12-12T10:01:00.000-05:00

She won't always be my baby lookin' like this!

HATE LIST #6: ADDLED ANDY ROONEY

2006-12-10T22:48:00.000-05:00

Really, CBS? Really, did you need to start the finale of THE AMAZING RACE ten minutes late, ensuring that people everywhere who recorded the show miss the END OF THE ENTIRE SEASON, in order to show that crotchety, senile Andy Rooney air a mean-spirited segment about how much he hates the shit people send him.

First of all, sir, I appreciate that you've had a long career in television. But I think we'd all appreciate that you stop shitting all over your legacy with this hostile, angry ranting. The best part of the segment was watching Katie Couric attempt to hold back her vomit as she introduced what she clearly knew was an off-putting, ungracious, give-the-audience-the-finger, waste of video that was Andy Rooney's segment.

CBS and 60 Minutes, I know that sports run long and blah blah blah and I'm not suggesting you deny anyone their Overtime. I'm just saying, when you have the choice to alienate thousands of Amazing Race fans or air the oral diarrhea of the senile, perhaps you should hold the Roonster 'til next week. Considering his stuff is usually as current as Ye Olde Almanac, I'm sure we can all wait until next week to shudder as Andy assaults us with what he just doesn't get about this here wacky modern world.

Oh, and by the way, I did figure out to set my DVR to tape 15 minutes over because of your weekly shenanigans; so, yes, I DID get to see the end, and you're lucky it cut off the moment those model/addicts stepped on the carpet because I really don't mind missing out on that bitchy couple and those Alabama ladies talk about how they really don't mind losin' 'cept for the fact it would have been so much better to win. But if I hadn't seen the important part, I bet I could have thought of a few things you really wouldn't have wanted me to send you.

Heidi, Get Your Gunn!

2006-12-08T12:23:00.000-05:00

Y'all!

What is it with these rumors that Tim Gunn is leaving Project Runway? This is a travesty!

And, as someone who has interviewed the man, I do know he is principled enough to let his obligations to Parsons come first. Only problem is: WE DON'T WANT THEM TO!

Project Runway, please do whatever you can to keep making it work with Mr. Gunn!

Tim, please do the same!

Go "straight" to the horse's mouth. Read what Bravo has to say about it.

What Was She Thinking?

2006-12-01T23:47:00.000-05:00

Anyone who's ever pledged allegiance to the Fagulous Blog will know that we feel about Heidi Klum the way Catholics feel about the Virgin Mary. But somehow our dear Heidi has done something that neither we nor the Virgin Mary (I suspect) find very appealing: created the Christmas music video extravaganza "Wonderland."

The song sounds like it was written by a paranoid schizophrenic after a Christmas movie marathon and the video looks like a cross between the security camera at a recording studio, a promotional video for a ski resort and a photo shoot designed by Jay Manuel.

Click to watch it!

Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel Klum Seal . . . You're Out!

2006-11-25T22:49:00.000-05:00

. . . of your mother, Supermodel and Host Heidi Klum!

Yes, the guy with the swoonworthy croon and the lady who welcomes you to the Runway have produced yet another genetically superior addition to the human race. Their first child, Henry, is already filming a reality series, taking acting and voice lessons and working on a first album and novel. His first step was, according to sources, "fierce."

Commenting on the birth, jet set American designer Michael Kors said, "Oh my god, it was like her vagina exploded all down the front of her dress! What that wasn't a dress?"

Nina Garcia, fashion director of Elle magazine, said, "You know, Heidi really disappointed me. A birth is supposed to be heartwarming and that's not what I saw on the runway today."

Guest judge Katie Holmes said, "At least she got to f*ckin scream!"

You Caption Them: PR3 Finale Day!

2006-10-18T15:37:00.000-04:00

Caption 'em!!!!!

Who The Hell Will Win PR3???

2006-10-18T09:36:00.000-04:00

Blogging Project Runway readers predicted the following:

'Flavor Of Love' Ain't No REALITY Show!

2006-10-16T08:11:00.000-04:00

Straight from the VH1 message boards.

Damn.

RE: And The winner is Deelishis!

Ok, I'm sorry for being a spoil sport but my friend and I have been watching this nonsense for a couple of weeks
and I can no longer stand the stupidity.
Yes, the show is fake.

The scenario is that the show was concoted to appear to be some sort of dating show, but the "contestants" signed up for something entirely different.

The girls on the show signed up for more of an "acting contest".

The concept, initially proposed by William Drayton aka
'Flava Flav', was to have a show which would appear to the viewers to be a 'dating contest', but in reality would be an competition to find a suitable 'match' for a money desperate Drayton after Brigitte Nielson declined to appear in another season of VH1's "Strange Love".

The winner would be the woman who could best 'act like'
Drayton's perfect other.....
Someone with antics bizarre enough to hold the interest of
the viewers and who could also feign love for the virtually unlikable Drayton.

In layman's terms:
A group of young (and not so young) hollywood fringe hopefuls signed contracts to appear on a televised acting contest, vying for the coveted position of phony
reality show 'girlfriend' to 'Flava Flav'.
The prize included a guaranteed reality show (Strange Love) and monetary compensation.

The long and short of it:
"Flavor of Love" is the WWF of dating shows.

To further perpetuate the absolute ridiculousness
is their choice of thespians to play
"New York" and family.

Surprise!
No, they're not related.
No, Mr. 'New York'
is not the owner of a fortune 500 company.
(If you were foolish enough to believe this you likely need your head checked...what millionaire, country club thoroughbreed has as uneducated, filthy and tragically cheap a child and as deranged and unkempt a wife as he has on the show?)

Miss 'New York' is actually Kenya Simmons of Newark New Jersey.
Never heard of her?
Well, it's not likely that you would have.

Simmons, a former exotic dancer, has shown up to many a reality show castings. (I work for Fox)
To add hilarity to the stew, she was rejected thrice
by "The Bachelor".

Simmons is not the only television hopeful who has shown her face at numerous open call castings.

The actress (and I use that term loosely) who plays
"Mrs. Michelle", New York's mother, Leslie Bibbs,
is not only of no relation to Simmons,
but once stood in the same cattle call line with her at an open call for a B.E.T reality show.
Another amazing tidbit:
Bibbs and Simmons are only 5 years apart in age.

I've never heard much about the actor playing
Mr. New York,
but my friend seems to think he works at VH1.

I shall say no more.

Funniest Thing I've Seen All Week!

2006-10-05T20:38:00.000-04:00

Thanks Pink!!

One for the LESBIANS

2006-10-05T12:13:00.000-04:00

Jesus Christ She's HOT! Have Mercy... Finally a female singer who is not only absolutely HOT, but also Talented and isn't afraid to put people like Brittney, fuckwit, Spears in their place!

I'd love me some PINK!

You Caption It: Uli Uli Uli

2006-10-05T10:22:00.000-04:00

Letterman's Top 10 List

2006-09-29T09:42:00.000-04:00

from last night, McGreevey style...

Top Ten List, "Chapter Titles in Jim McGreevey's Book"

10. "The Day I Got Caught Governing Myself"
9. "How to Pretend to Like Girls for 47 Years"
8. "From Schwarzenegger to Pataki: Governors I'd Like to Oil Up"
7. "Another Confession – I Can't Resist Entenmann's Pound Cake"
6. "At First I Just Thought I Was Bipartisan"
5. "The New Jersey Budget Crisis – What Would Judy Garland Do?"
4. "A Look at the Governor's Balls"
3. "Politicians Who Left a Bad Taste in My Mouth"
2. "How to Push Through a Bill – Or a Steve or a Larry…"
1. "Why I Don't Like Bush"

Good job Dave!

You Caption It: Clay Achin'....

2006-09-27T16:50:00.000-04:00

Hump Day Humps #9: A Common Bond

2006-09-27T08:56:00.000-04:00

Hi chilrens. This here 007 movie is about to come out soon. Somethin bout a casino bein royale. Not if dat bitch is in Atlantic City, you know what I'm sayin. Well this is also the introduction of a new Bond. His name is Daniel Craigs. He ain't been in dat much but he look aight. He's replacing a Mr. Pierce Brosnan. Damn gurl. Everytime I hear his name I get all hot and bothered. Do who you will. I think I might just have to wait to see it to be able to decide. Bye.

You Rank It #1 and #2 Results & You Rank It #3

2006-09-21T15:06:00.000-04:00

Biting a panda as retaliation.... 9.3/10

Madonna's new 'do.... 6.7/10

---

You Rank It #3
Anna Nicole Smith recently sold In Touch photos of her and her son by her bedside just before his death and just after her birth to a baby girl. They sold for $400,000 and reportedly helped to pay his funeral services. How does this rank???

You Rank It #2

2006-09-20T14:41:00.000-04:00

I like this new feature.

Here's an article about a man who bit a panda after a panda bit him!!!

He was drunk if you were wondering.

Would you have run from the panda? Had dinner with the panda? High-fived the panda?

This man's decision to bite the panda ranks at # _____ out of 10?

You Rank It #1

2006-09-20T10:38:00.000-04:00

1 being AWFUL, 10 being BRILLIANT.

What would YOU give Madonna's new 'do?

Match The Dress To The Project Runway Finalist

2006-09-20T10:07:00.000-04:00

Here's one dress/outfit from each of the remaining finalists on PR: Uli, Laura, Michael and Jeffrey.

Play the match game! Guesses in comments.

I'll post the answers by Friday.

The Fagulous Week in Haiku 9/9 - 9/15

2006-09-15T14:38:00.000-04:00

Katie Couric reads
The news on CBS. Wow!
It's still just the news!

Survivor premiers:
Jeff Probst, bring racial peace with
Your gigantic cock.

Vincent got auf'd again
Angela, too. But sadly
So did gay, gay Kane.

9/11. . . Five
years later, the memory
still makes me tear up.

Britney birthed a Six
Pound Eleven Ounce Hostess
Snack Cake named Twinkie.

The fruit of Anna
Nicole's womb somehow went bad.
That's so outrageous!

Whitney is giving
Up Bobby Brown and crack. Well,
At least Bobby Brown.

Now they're finding E.
Coli even on spinach.
Vegans! You ain't safe!

Goodnight stars. Goodnight
Air. Goodnight noises everywhere.
Goodnight, Ann Richards. . .

This blog entry is dedicated to the memory and celebrates the life of excellent public servant Ann Richards! Rest in Peace, Ann! If there's a heaven, we hope to eat BBQ with you there, someday!

Hump Day Humps #8: RodDICK vs STIFFler

2006-09-13T11:55:00.000-04:00

Yo bitches! Although these two is basically brothers, they each have they own's hotness about thems. One is a real religious man who only does bad comedies and bad action flicks.
The other is the second best player right now in the world who had sex with that MANdy Moore.

Who y'all wanna hump? Andy Roddick or Seann William Scott? I know they look similar. Look at this picture. They is twins gurl!

It's Always Scummy in Philadelphia, 2

2006-09-10T16:13:00.000-04:00

NEARLY NABBED!
Appalled I continue east on Sansom until I’m on Broad, the main thoroughfare, a cool breeze cuts through the humidity. I pass my friend’s work, stop at the plate glass windows scanning the restaurant. We see eachother, he smiles then pulls off his apron, throws it aside, nostrils flared. The hostess’ eyes widen. Her mouth forms a long, wailing, ‘No,’ in recognition of me from two weeks ago. The male servers gather around Max, some blockade the entryway, but he stares at me, making for the door, pushing co-workers from his path. I pull myself away, run south, hearing Max scream, ‘You’re’is best-friend! Lemme’ show ya how it feels!’
Two weeks previously our mutual best friend Nathaniel came to Philly after serving in Afghanistan. He was high strung. Upon a minor insult Nathaniel proceeded to box Max’s ears until he was unrecognizable. While Nathaniel went back to his base in the South I’m still here, the other best friend, I clearly should’NT be stopping by to say hello. I duck into a parking garage, hidden in a stairwell only to overhear ‘urban businessmen’ in conference. ‘I don’t le’my bitches fuck dey dates in da ass because den’ da bitches think they men not bitches and dat’s no good fa’ business. If I pay for da titties dey women…dey only goota’dick for pissin n’cummin, not fuckin…’ Someone agrees; I close my eyes and consider that waiting for Max in plain sight on Broad Street might be a safer bet.

Project Runway Betting Odds

2006-09-08T15:47:00.000-04:00

According to Gambling 911.

Seems like they like Laura....

Laura Bennett 5/4

Michael Knight 3/2

Ulrike "Uli" Herzner 4/1

Jeffrey Sebelia 4/1

Kayne Gillaspie 8/1

WHO ARE YOU PULLING FOR???

Paris Hilton in Handcuff's (Its NOT What Your Thinking!)

2006-09-07T09:27:00.000-04:00

Low & Behold - Paris Hilton was arrested in Hollywood under suspicion of DRUNK DRIVING. Suspicion, my ass... If she wasn't drunk then she was high - one of the two! Paris was probably out getting trashed because daddy didn't bribe enough people to go out and purchase Paris's new CD.

If your interested, here's the "offical" story:

Paris Hilton charged with DUI
September 7, 2006

LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) -- Celebrity Paris Hilton was arrested and charged with driving under the influence early Thursday after driving erratically and failing a field sobriety test, police said.

Shortly after midnight, officers assigned to a driving-under-the-influence task force spotted Hilton driving erratically in Hollywood and pulled her over.

"She exhibited the symptoms of intoxication," Los Angeles Police Department spokesman Irv Isabella said.

Hilton, 25, star of TV's "The Simple Life," was asked to perform a field sobriety test, which she failed, and was arrested and charged with DUI, a misdemeanor.

Isabella could not confirm whether Hilton was handcuffed, but he said it is standard procedure to handcuff people arrested on DUI charges.

Hilton was released from police custody and is scheduled to appear in court at a later date.

"We have faith she will appear in court," Isabella said.

Hilton's spokesman, Elliot Mintz, sister Nicky Hilton and Nicky's boyfriend, actor Kevin Connolly of TV's "Entourage," picked Paris up at the police station in Hollywood, according to The Associated Press.

Mintz confirmed the arrest and said police detected the minimum blood-alcohol level to warrant an arrest, the AP reported. The legal limit in California is 0.08 percent.

"She's absolutely fine," Mintz told the AP.

At the time of her arrest, Hilton was driving home from a charity event where she had one drink, Mintz told the AP.

She had spent the day shooting a music video for her new album, "Paris," the AP reported. The driving under the influence symptoms were "probably the result of an empty stomach and working all day and being fatigued," Mintz told the AP.

In June, Hilton had a fender-bender accident when her Range Rover backed into a car in a parking garage after a shopping trip, the AP reported.

Which Is Scarier? Suri, Gwen or Justin?

2006-09-06T10:17:00.000-04:00

Which image is most harsh on the eyes?

Alien Cruise? Gwen dolls? Justin Timberwetshirt?

Did Angel dis Buffy?

2006-09-04T11:03:00.000-04:00

Kittens, I have been working through the big Entertainment Weekly fall preview with the ravenous hunger of a Project Whore contestant! (Just Kidding - we all know they're too fat to really be models!)

Anyway, I just had to share this little quote from their interview with the very sexy Mr. David Boreanaz - deliciously pictured here - in which he seems to be . . . well, read for yourself:

"Emily is such a different caliber from the women I've worked with," says Boreanaz. "To be a foil for her...I love the chance to play romantic comedy. That's something people haven't seen in me. I don't have to be brooding."

So what does this say about Miss Sarah Michelle Gellar? Is Hunkmeat here suggesting that she's shooting blanks? And what's the deal with that tricky ellipsis? Is that where he REALLY dished the dirt that EW had to cut out in the hopes that when they made "The Grudge 12" SMG will do the cover again?

In other news, David, you can fill me with your blanks anytime you want. Mmmm...

Oh. My. Goodness.

2006-09-04T02:15:00.000-04:00

Rest in Peace, Crocodile Hunter!

Crikey! How did the Crocodile Hunter die while doing what he does best? Click here!

Q: When is a Walloughs Not a Walloughs?

2006-09-01T14:31:00.000-04:00

A: When he's a Cellar Door!

Ok, yeah, I realize that was neither funny nor did it make much sense, but if you'd just give me a fucking minute I'll explain. Sorry, I was channelling JonBenet's un-killer for a minute.

Anyway, Drew Edwards, who is the very talented man behind the Walloughs of my temporarily delayed musical "Fitz & Walloughs Get It in the End!" has a band called Cellar Door and they will be performing will be rocking Alrene's Grocery Saturday, September 2nd @ 10pm. It's a $10 Cover and I'm told there will be several other swell groups of music makers in attendance.

So if you're looking for someplace to get drunk on Saturday (and I know I set Saturday aside to do nothing but!), then check out my favorite pianist in action! Get more info at Drew's website: www.rugbyroadstudio.com

How FAGULOUS were the EMMY AWARDS? Part 3

2006-08-30T17:28:00.000-04:00

Usually I hear so much post-awards-show buzz about the "big surprises" of the night that it makes me wanna puke on a baby. But this year? Is it just me? Has no one said anything about surprises? 'Cause here's some stuff that shocked the shit out of me:

Conan the Comedian Brief and breezy, fun and feisty, this year's Emmy Awards were actually funny! Let all praise be heaped upon the host! Here's to Conan!

What have you been Huffing? We were all happy for Blythe last year, and I think many of us thought of it as an award for her many great performances, including that of Will's Mom on W&G but again? For doing the same schtick? And over Candice, Sandra, Chandra and JEAN? What? And for Huff? Come on.

Karen? Walk Her Off the Stage! We love the Mullally, let us make this clear, SOOO much. But she was already awarded for her best W&G work years ago, and that award belongs to Jaime Pressly, who totally transforms into trash on MY NAME IS EARL!

The New Adventures of Old Shit Does anyone watch this show? Really? Anytime I catch it, it's so ho-hum. And if anything, it's Wanda Sykes who's the bright spot, not JLD. Whom we love, by the way, but really that statuette belongs to the incomparable Lisa Kudrow. It was the perfect opportunity to award her underappreciated Comeback.

Quit Monk-ing around! I think Tony Shaloub is tremendously talented, and I'm sure all of Monk's tics make it a very demanding acting job, but Steve Carell is so brilliant on The Office, I just don't understand how he could be denied.

Remember M*A*S*H*? The Academy clearly does. And can't stop heaping praise on Alda for what truly was an immense piece of television. But, listen, I'm a West Wing fanatic. And I loved every minute of him onscreen. But William Shatner has so brilliantly reimagined his career, and his comic genius is on display every minute he's on screen in Boston Legal. It's a performance that deserves MANY awards.

He Lost to Manilow! Though Stephen Colbert did receive one Emmy (for writing on The Daily Show) his brilliantly concieved spin-off and virtuosic nightly performance as a Pseudo-Republican Blowhard could not have been more deserving of recognition. And if you were gonna give it to the Daily, in the other categories, Best Individual Performance was the one for Colbert, as he carries even more of the show on his shoulders than the admittedly wonderful Stewart. But Barry Manilow? Really? I mean, I loved him on Idol, too, and I'm sure his concert is very exciting if you're in need of a pacemaker, but . . . I don't even know what to say. . . I'm sure the real Stephen is laughing about it even as the Colbert Report character indulges his chagrin, but I'm here to say it: Stephen Colbert was robbed!

Did I miss anything?

I Have A Crush On A WB11 Newsanchor

2006-08-30T11:08:00.000-04:00

Yes, shut up.

Does anyone even watch Channel 11 in the morning?

His name is John Muller and he's adorable.

Here he is in action.

Tune in tomorrow to see what I'm talking about.

He's no Anderson Cooper, but quite a close second!

How FAGULOUS were the EMMY AWARDS? Part 2

2006-08-29T14:05:00.000-04:00

We continue our salute to the only TV awards show that airs on the medium it awards (for my purposes, the Golden Globes count as an "orgy" and not an awards show - and I'm sure the Hollywood Foreign Press would agree), with a big old thumbs up to the grandest old Emmy-winning bitch of them all — not, not Megan Mullally, though she's pretty close — I'm talking about the beautiful and talented Helen Mirren.

Helen has my favorite name of all time. This is because of my unhealthy fascination with Helen Keller. Gwyenth Paltrow's character in "Sliding Doors" is named Helen, and therefore I find the movie HILARIOUS. Because I always used to scream, "HELEN!" at anyone who wasn't paying proper attention. Lines like, "You don't have writers block, Jerry! You have Helen block!" send me reeling. So she has that going on for.

Also, the now infamous "Ass over tit!" comment got my motor going. I thought it was still pretty funny when Calista Flockheart repeated it a few minutes later, as well, but the sad thing is that you really can't tell Calista's ass from her tits. They're just bony, concave fleshbags. But, good job with the line, Helen!

Helen is one of the first actresses of all time to play both Queen Elizabeth I and II, which is just fabulous. And I can't wait to see her plot Princess Di's death in the upcoming film, "The Queen." Ok, she doesn't plot Di's death in the movie. But I'm sure she'll be ass over tit-tastic anyway.

But most of all, I love Helen because she was so great in Lee Daniels' Shadowboxer. When I interviewed Lee, he just had just so much warmth and love for her. It was totally infectious. Ever since then, Dame Helen has been definitively added to my love list. Kudos also on the stunning ensemble, and one of the funniest presentations of the night (featuring the very hilarious, very handsome Hugh Laurie). Congrats on your Emmy, gorgeous!

Guess Who M Saw This Weekend

2006-08-28T10:26:00.000-04:00

First person who comments on who the mystery man in the middle is, wins... err, nothing! Go!

Hint: he was at East Village Radio this weekend, being interviewed by Michael Musto!

How FAGULOUS Were the EMMY AWARDS? Part I

2006-08-28T02:18:00.000-04:00

Oooh, children! You know we bitches are gonna have a lot to say about the Emmys. A whole lot. Like if you weighed what we plan to say against the combined weight lost by Anna Nicole and Payless Shoe Horse Star Jones, they would be almost the same weight.

But I'm gonna start us off with a big old congratulations to the truly incredible Leslie Jordan, whom we love. His turn as Karen's archnemesis Beverly Leslie has been a bright spot throughout Will and Grace's run, and we love him as "Brother Boy" in Sordid Lives. Get a taste of him in the role on "YouTube" by clicking here.

In other news, what did we think of Conan? I think he was host-tastic, from parodying The Music Man to locking Bob Newhart in an airtight tank, he made the absurd into superb. Any thoughts, Fagulous Bitches?

RANDY! RANDY'S GUIDE to the NORTH

2006-08-28T00:03:00.000-04:00

AND I THOUGHT JAMES BOND MOVIES WERE EXCITING! This is the real estate market in NEW YORK! Complete blood sport. Every article I read, every call I get. I love it. Just thought I would let my loyal readers know I have thrown my hat into the ring of NYC real estate. I thought the South was dirty but this is far greater. Soon enough faglous will hear tales from the far side. It's dark, its's scary, it's the NYC realestate market :-)

Kat is Back!

2006-08-25T23:13:00.000-04:00

Oh, yeah, bitches! My girl, The One and Only McPhee, is back in a big way. And while I don't really know what Taylor Hicks is doing other than sue people so they don't release his swampy old recordings before he can put out some moldy new ones, I do know that The Gorgeous One was jamming with Andrea Bocelli at the JC Penny JAM at LA's legendary Shrine auditorium.

You can check them out making beautiful music by clicking herehttp://music.aol.com/jcpenney-jam-event.

If only this could have been her finale duet - instead of that horrible car accident during which I'm sure Meatloaf had an actual stroke. See her talk about her first impressions of the loaf by clicking here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QJjAskq9nE.

300TH POST: CAPTION THIS, BITCHES!

2006-08-25T11:37:00.000-04:00

Those Gaysians Are Taking Over Everything!

2006-08-18T16:34:00.000-04:00

Including NYC high schools!

Ginger's Addiction #4: Project Whore!

2006-08-18T14:12:00.000-04:00

Well I'm tired of writing out "America's Next Top Model"; so this season, as a salute to the classiest reality show on television (Project Runway - and, yes, I know we haven't been talking about it much this season on the blog - because we've been too busy SCREAMING about it - in a good way, and sometimes a bad way, and probably sometimes in a dangerous way), I've decided to retitle ANTM, Project Whore! Because, well, it's not like they're really trying to be models. If you're trying to be a model, you stick you finger down your throat, hack of your tits, blow "bisexual" photographers (being careful not to swallow those extra calories) and develop a nice, firm mass in your left lung from smoking every time you want to fill your stomach. Or your empty, empty soul.

But these women want to be media whores, and really, good going girls! Do you see models on the cover of magazines? Do you see models hawking beauty products and clothes? Nope. Celebrities do that now. And the models that still can do it (like Tyra and "The Body" herself, Fraulein and Baby-Seal Maker Heidi Klum) are really less models now and more media whores.

So "The CW" - please respond to this post with that you think that little Acronym should stand for - has released the next round of Project Whore! finalists. I find the idea of trying to match faces with names exhausting until, like, the final four, so I will comment on favorites by description.

TOP ROW: Liking the girl that looks like a less-butch lesbian Kim from a couple cycles back.

SECOND ROW FROM TOP: Love me the white girl (second from right) who looks like her eyes are saying, "Ima Gitcha Sucka." Don't know about those two on the end. Are they twins? Bad Fiona Apple clones? Are they troubled by hemorroids?

THIRD ROW FROM TOP: I am SO all about the gorgeous black girl with the big hair and gorgeous lips. She looks about ready to leap out the picture.

BOTTOM ROW: White girl in the middle? Is that not Snaggletooth from last Cycle's final two? (I would know cuz I had her awesome li'l housewife with vacuum cleaner shoot on my desktop for ages.) As for the girl on the far right, jury is out on whether I think she looks like the epitome of beauty or a freakin' alien. I'll probably hate her once she opens her mouth though. It's that way with most of them.

And of course I wouldn't have it any other way.

So who do you like? Who do you want to hide with brown paper? And what does the CW stand for? GO, fagulous readers, GO!

Hump Day Humps #7: Dylan McKay vs Brandon Walsh

2006-08-16T15:54:00.000-04:00

Lord have mercy nurses. I've been feelin' rull nostalgic lately. Must be that whole drinkin' wit ya friends from high school and talkin bout dem things like bad tv shows and who you slept with. Ain't that what y'all do? Well, we was talkin about 90210 the otha day. Oh that magical land of Beverly Hills where errbody is white and drives a convertible. I remember thinkin' 2 of da young mens were rull fine lookin. Jason Priestly and Luke Perry....ummh ummh uum. I can taste both of their peach pits right now. Jason Priestly played Brandon Walsh, a transplant freshman from Minnesota with a bitchy sister. He was the boy next door with, according to most sources, a huge palm tree down below.
Luke Perry played the bad boy, Dylan McKay who prolly gave all of dem gurls some sorta STD. But when he was an alcoholic for that brief period and blowin all his cash, I wanted him to take me right then and there. So who'd y'all rather hump? Lemme know.

Fitz & Walloughs Get It in the End!

2006-08-11T14:36:00.000-04:00

Nurses!

It's opening day of the New York International Fringe Festival, and as some of you know this classy blogging bitch, Miss Ginger Snaps, is also New York Playwright Mister Paul Hagen, who has written one of the gayest shows ever and it opens Monday at the Fringe! It's called "Fitz & Walloughs Get It in the End!"

You can hear clips of the songs from the show and see pics of Fitz & Walloughs at www.fitzandwalloughs.com.

You can listen to Martin Denton, the head honcho at Nytheatre.com, interview Paul and a VERY in-character Fitz at www.nytheatre.com/nytheatre/pcast.htm and click on #20!

FringeNYC 2006: See "Fitz & Walloughs Get It in the End!"
Written by Paul Hagen
Starring Micah Bucey and Drew Edwards
Directed by Paul Mazza

WHAT:
"Fitz and Walloughs Get it in the End!" brings you the final concert of Narcissist/Manslut/Lyricist Fyodr Fitz (the explosive Micah Bucey) and Alchoholic/Depressive/Composer Constantine Walloughs (the fantastic Drew Edwards) on the last night of their career writing and performing songs about Fitz's many, many unfortunately murdered gay lovers. It is, of course, a comedy.

From catchy pop songs about murder to hilarious tales of athletic sex to multimedia images that can only be described as unsuitable for children, "Fitz & Walloughs" has something for everyone! Fans of our 2004 FringeNYC extravaganza "The Only Thing Straight Is My Jacket," and works like "Hedwig and the Angry Inch," "Kiki & Herb," VH1's "Behind the Music," Patrick Dennis' "Little Me" will find plenty to love about "Fitz & Walloughs Get it in the End!" It's a homo-musical spectacular!

WHEN:
(Limited Engagement – Only 7 Performances!)
MONDAY August 14 @ 5pm
TUESDAY August 15 @ 10pm
WEDNESDAY August 16 @ 3:15pm
FRIDAY August 18 @ 7pm
SUNDAY August 20 @ 5:15pm
MONDAY August 21 @ 5:30pm
SATURDAY August 26 @ 4:30pm

WHERE:
MO PITKIN'S HOUSE OF SATISFACTION
34 Avenue A (between 2nd and 3rd Streets)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 777-5660
Going by Subway? Take the F or V to Second Ave!

HOW:
There are a few ways to get a hold of tickets (which cost $15 and a 1-drink minimum)! Yes, you can drink during the show!
SURF on over to www.fringenyc.org
CALL for tickets (212) 279-4488 in NY or 1-888-FRINGENYC outside NY.
VISIT the center of the action at Fringe Central @ 27 Mercer Street (between Grand & Howard) near the Canal Street and Spring Street Stations.

Logo Unveils Top 50 Gay Films Of All Time

2006-08-11T10:49:00.000-04:00

Top 5 go something like this:

5. Bound
4. Trick
3. Beautiful Thing
2. Latter Days
1. Brokeback Mountain (big shock)

The rest of the list here.

Hump Day Humps #6: Vosovic vs Michael

2006-08-09T07:58:00.000-04:00

In honor of the wonderfulness that is Project Runway, I have a simple one for y'all.Hey gurl. So I know dis one seems like a no-brainer, but I hurd some inturestin things about people's opinions on these here gentlemenz. In corner number one, we have the hair himself, Daniel V. Ooo gurl...you know he's got a big ol' vosoVIC.
In corner number two, we gots Keith Michael. Damn, that just sounds like a porn name. Maybe he was in that one titled, "Been Caught Cheatin', And You Know It Hurts Real Good Part 2: Fist Enemas" So who'd y'all rather hump?

Katie & Tom BIRTH VIDEO!

2006-08-08T15:15:00.000-04:00

Classic.

You Caption It #43

2006-08-07T15:57:00.000-04:00

Johnny ~~Queer~~ Weir...

Caption it #42

2006-08-04T15:22:00.000-04:00

You know this is a caption-inspiring photo!

And Your Winners Are:

First Place Goes to Ginger Snaps for:
"My husband won't touch me with his dick. But he will touch me LIKE THIS!"

Second Place Goes to Mitchell for:
After Gastric Bypass, my stomach is just this big!!!

And Third Place Goes to Drew for:
"One, Two: Star is coming for you!
Three, Four: Better lock your door!
Five, Six: Grab your crucifix!..."

I KNEW a Horrid picture of Star would bring about many a caption.........

The Fagulous Week In Review - 8/4

2006-08-04T09:44:00.000-04:00

Mel Mel Mel, Mel Mel
Now he wants a Rabbi! umm....
Jews will still hate you

Bonnie gets the boot
Keith is a cheat; most of all:
Angela, you suck

Penelope says
'I SAW SURI!, she's so cute'
Who believes this bitch?

MySpace craziness
Guess the amount of members!
Eleven million!!!!!!

J-Lo Off 'Dallas'
She's not pregnant though! yeah, right
Lying little shit!

'Would a Convent accept a...Muslim goyl?'

2006-08-04T09:36:00.000-04:00

This just in: Barbara goes Koran!!! In a strange twist of events Barbara Streisand has converted not only to the Martha Stewart Cult of Gardening Hats but she has also adopted a form of Shi'a Islam and can be seen leaving the Mosque on the protective arm of an Islamic cleric. While the veil is not necessary she is afraid - apparently & rightly so - that Jewish fans and supporters will lynch her upon discovery....What?? Whadd'ya mean I'm lying...ok! Ahem: Ms Streisand is actually leaving a police station after having a brawl with a Ms. Liza Minnelli over the last cinnamon ruggalach at a kosher bakery off Sunset Boulevard and...awl'right stop looking at me that way! Really dahhhhhhhhhlings, Ms Streisand is seen leaving the Lasky Clinic in LA where she apparently received surgery in preperation for her upcoming World Tour.

Who WILL Win Project Runway Season 3??

2006-08-03T12:16:00.000-04:00

We're really pulling for Laura or Alison, how about you?

Blogging Project Runway has conducted a poll, with nearly 4000 voters. Here's what they said:

You Caption It #41

2006-08-02T13:49:00.000-04:00

It's Always Scummy in Philadelphia #1: Byzantine Banging

2006-08-02T13:24:00.000-04:00

By way of introduction my name is Benjamina Franqline, de Philadelphie. I am one of Benny's bastard descendants through French whores. Due to an unfortunate economy I had to leave darling Manhattan and find myself in that Colonial City to the South, Philadelphia...where I toil & lament ever having left NYC. I have -- at the request of Ginger Snaps -- decided to recount to you my life here. (If one can call it 'life.')

Please enjoy...

Section, the First: Byzantine Banging.

Five minutes after work I'm on Market Street smoking a joint. Market Street is Philly’s Mid-Town. Yet by 10pm it’s such a ghost town that it's possible to smoke a joint with no fear. "Why not smoke in an alley?" you ask. Because restaurant workers will call the police to bust you if you’re not the sharing type. However - me being me - I get paranoid, duck into an alley then snuff it out. I’m on 17th and Moravian Street, an alley behind the First Baptist Church, Byzantine in style. I hear something and find a young blond wearing a tank top and sweatpants riding a guy smoking...crack. They make no attempt to stop their intercourse. I turn consider taking 17th Street but no: I would to turn on to Walnut Street – our Fifth Ave – and those shop windows would depress me.

So I walk past. The girl turns to smile and say ‘Thanks. He just got out. My dad don’t approve,’ mid-fuck. I keep walking. I find kitchen workers behind the Wok, one of the best Chinese places in town, drinking beer, looking pretty harmless. I pass a dumpster. I scream. A blond woman in her early forties is pissing while sitting on a brass standpipe…in lieu of a toilet perhaps. She apologizes to me cynically, heartily then stands up, pulls up her sweat pants and shouts down the street, 'Denise! Get the fuck off his cock! Your father is expecting us any minute...'

Ginger's Addiction #3: Chappelle's Show, We Hardly Knew Ye!

2006-08-02T12:41:00.000-04:00

It's been a momentous month in the history of television. Here are the HIGHLIGHTS and LOWLIGHTS and WHAT TO WATCH next:

HIGHLIGHT - I discovered Work Out on Bravo, and let me tell you, Ginger watched the first episode while running on the elliptical machine, and the sight of all those bodies in motion really motivated my ass. (Plus, you know reality tv is like horse to Ginger.) And I must say gym-guru Jackie Warner is my favorite kind of lesbian a) capable b) driven and c) looks great in flats. Can you feel the burn?

LOWLIGHT - We said goodbye to The Chappelle's Show for good. As a Highlight within a lowlight, the final three, cobbled-together-from-already-filmed-materal episodes - which I worried would be godawful, the way Dave was talkin' to Oprah - were actually a fitting send-off, full of the brave humor about society's racial and financial inequities that is the Chappelle Show trademark. But Dave, if I may say one thing to you, in response to you tellin' Oprah that you were worried that some people might be taking your mocking racism as enjoying racism: JESUS CHRIST, OF COURSE THEY DO. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO READ NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC FOR THE NAKED BUSH WOMEN, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY SHOULD STOP PUBLISHING NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC!

HIGHLIGHT - My boyfriend Morgan Spurlock has returned with 30 Days. Sadly, there are fewer apperances of my sweet, handle-bar-mustachioed love (he remains more in the voice over this season), but at least we can look forward to the episode where he goes to prison and, if previews are to be believed, hew ill be getting all sorts of nekkid!

WHAT TO WATCH: Tonight, it's the big episode of Project Runway where someone gets kicked off. Mark my words, people. It's not gonna be as good as you think. If I had to guess, someone has a Blackberry - a comedian got kicked off of Last Comic Standing for that this year. Also: On 30 Days Morgan sends some guy whose job was outsourced to India to go get it back! If only he would send his big man arms to get me back. Well, there's always next sesason

Boy George Gets NYC Garbage Duty!

2006-08-01T09:22:00.000-04:00

Keep your eyes out boys and girls.. or at least those in NYC. During the month of August you'll get to see more in Chinatown & Little Italy than homeless people wandering the streets... You'll get to see BOY GEORGE picking up TRASH! An NYC Criminal Court judge sentence The Boy to a month of garbage duty in NYC after having been found guilty of possesing a certain white powdery substance... and it wasn't fairy dust people.

You know Gawker Stalker is gonna be all over this...

Sample Post:

"Boy George spotted in a Mott Street alley giving a blow job when he was meant to be sweeping the street."

You Caption It #40!

2006-07-27T15:50:00.000-04:00

Lance Bass: I HATE GOOGLE...(and I'm gay)

2006-07-26T13:07:00.000-04:00

Whoa, harsh words for the titans over at Google!

Direct quote from the People article, on stands on Friday:

"The worst part about it was my mom found out not from me. She found out on the Internet, and that's what just killed me. She's read an article about the rumors and stuff and she Googled and found all these things."

He would have preferred she found out via an Ask.com search!!

POLL: Trunks or Briefs?

2006-07-26T11:21:00.000-04:00

JEZZ LOUIS.....

GAY, STRAIGH, BI, LESBIAN.. I DON'T THINK THERE IS ANYONE WHO WOULD KICK DAVID BECKHAM OUT OF BED!

So Tell Us.... Do you prefer Becks in Trunks or Briefs?

The Fagulous Week In Review - 7/21

2006-07-21T16:23:00.000-04:00

Justin: "I did drugs!
And I'm sooooo over Britney....
I'm a power bottom."

Malan gets the boot
Heidi said 'see ya weirdo!'
Who will we hate now??

Madonna: baby news?
She wants to adopt a third
Angie J says pffffff!!

Haley Joel: THE CAR CRASH!
Lindsay's blackberry stolen!
Nineteen and famous...

Prez says sh*t out loud
Hicks In West Virginia SHOCKED!
We say, whatever...

Brit gets apology
Enquirer: 'woops sorry!'
K-Fed says BOOYAH!

Pam and Kid to wed
And adopting Suri Cruise??
Hahaha, fooled ya!!

Paris: I'm the sh*t
Call me Marilyn Monroe
Um, OK ya skank!

New TV Series
Based on Macy's employees??
Are you kidding me?

Roseland to Irving
The Peaches show has been moved!
Fagulous boys cry :(

Ginger's Addiction #2: Runway Roadkill

2006-07-19T15:05:00.000-04:00

Oh, nurses! It's that time again! That time when my heart thrills to the wearable art that splurns down the runway and the naked insanity that creates it to collide in the hallowed halls of Parsons: The New School for Design and be beamed directly to my television. Recapping is a bit much when there are still so many designers; so I - after conferring with some of my fagulous colleagues, have decided to pick designers to watch - for a variety of reasons - and chuck them up on the Catwalk of Ideas that is the Fagulous Blog. Here's who we've got designs on:

It's zebra man capris! It's pink assless-chaps! It's KAYNE!. Yes, girls, our first award goes to this native Oklahoman (hmm. . . I wonder if his #@&! is as high as an elephants eye?) is one of the cutest of the season, but he's here to receive our award for MOST GAY.

What to say about MALAN? Other than that his whole demeanor is going over like a lead balloon. Now, I'm all for fun with cultivated accents and eccentricities, but . . . well, we don't want to be mean, so let's just say there's something not quite right about this package. We'll save the rest for when our very special friend of fagulous, a former beau of Malan's, makes a special appearance to dish the secrets. In the meantime, we'll just give him the LOVE TO HATE HIM award.

Oh, VINCENT! Please stop talking about how you cashed in your 401K. It turns the fun of enjoying your particular brand of I-Did-Too-Much-Acid-And-Peyote-And-Marker-Sniffing-In-College personality from enjoyably ridiculous to sadly insance. Well, here's your award for CRAZIEST; maybe you can pawn it and use the money for food.

Well, you may not yet realize why yet but there's no one more deserving of the award for MOST CONTROVERSIAL than first-challenge winner KEITH. Why? You may vaguely recall his sketches from the audition process on the "Road to the Runway" episode. You know who else those sketches might look familiar to? THE DESIGNERS WHO MADE THE ACTUAL CLOTHES. Yes, either Keith is clair-freakin'-voyant or he stole those looks right off the runway. Check out the sketches and the runway shots side by side at Best Week Ever. I've even heard that you can see Nina Garcia sitting front row in one of the runway pics! Oh, Nina! How could such a thing be going on right under your perky li'l nose?!

And welcome to our last award of the evening. The category is the coveted FAGULOUS FAVORITE and the winner is the beautiful, the talented, the woman with the eye for architecture AND fashion, the woman who's taking a break from her kids, the woman who runs around the workroom in a cocktail dress, the woman whose first piece of the season - a FAGULOUS faux-fur-collared coat reminded us of nothing more than our favorite Auntie Mame, the one, the only, LAURA BENNET. Laura, you're the fagulous pony this season, and we're hoping to be with you at the line for a photo finish. (JESUS! EVEN HER PICTURE IS FAGULOUS! WHERE HAS THIS WOMAN BEEN!?)

EVERYBODY'S SAYING IT: Our new favorite word? Auf'd! A contraction of "Aufwiedersehened," meant to emulate the verb "Ousted" and used to describe the latest designer to leave Project Runway. As in, Stacey was the first designer Auf'd from Season 3. FAGULOUS!

You Caption It #39

2006-07-19T14:02:00.000-04:00

Matthew McCoughno-heyf*ckme!

Truly Madly Deeply!

2006-07-18T13:37:00.000-04:00

(up the arse)!

Turns out that the brown-haired guy, aka Darren Hayes, from Savage Garden has come out of the closet and annouced his fagulosity. As always, Perez has all the dirt.

You feel a little more justified for liking the Chica chica cherry cola song circa 97 now, don't you?

Bonus Fagulous MP3: 'I Knew I Loved You'

The Fagulous Week In Haiku - 7/14

2006-07-14T09:51:00.000-04:00

Project Runway, yay!
Heidi and the crew is back
We're friggin' elated!

Here come the debates
Keith hotter than Daniel V??
We say it's impossible!

There is other news
NOT ABOUT PROJECT RUNWAY!
Um, but I forget...

Oh yes, the 'straights guys'
McCoughno-hey f*ck me hard!
Matt, Jake, Lance: ORGY!

You Me and Dupree
Opens Today, Looks Dumb, But...
Owen Wilson: ahhhhh!

Lindsay's got a man
NO.. it ain't goddamn Wilmer!
We wish them the best.

Spederline hiding
Brit must be gettin' big now..
Boy or girl? Guesses!

RANDY! RaNdY's Guide to DIRTY GAY BLOGGING!!!!

2006-07-12T16:35:00.000-04:00

Brace yourselves~ its dirty. Just like my title. This totally takes the cake, even from me. Twisted boys blog, features 2 boys: Brad & Evan. This blog follows their sexploits; NOTHING LEFT OUT! Not only that, but they are more then happy to take suggestions from anybody passing through the site. YOU GO BOYS! They have already done bondage, but I don't think they have not done fisting. Not exactly models, but not exactly bad looking either, they are not at all half bad. Well just their sexploits on the web, unless your into that sort of thing. I've been all through the site ;-) There are some great shots from Bonarroo where they just went around taking pics of hotties with their shirts off. GOD! WHEY DIDN'T I GO TO BONARROO????? I was very selective on which pictures I decided to post on fagulous, but with just a click you can see EVERYTHING! Follow the link for several rides you will remember~ pics and video follow~

TWISTED BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nurses, please put your thoughts in the comment section :-)

The Most Fagulous Photo Ever!

2006-07-12T12:35:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's Elton, Kylie, Jake Shears and 2 other people... Elton's hubby? Kirsten Dunst's black sheep sister?

You Caption It #38

2006-07-10T18:30:00.000-04:00

Ginger's Addiction #1: The Shows of Summer!

2006-07-10T16:42:00.000-04:00

All right, nurses. You know I've written about a variety of topics on this here site: books, mens, hateful bitches, etc. But the thing I've written about more than anything else has gotta be TV. So I'm finally making it an official feature, and I couldn't think of a better name than Ginger's Addiction. No, seriously, i couldn't. Years of hard living will do that to a body. For those of you who enjoyed my Kat McPhee obsession [sorry about the bulimia, honey, but can't way to see you on THE VIEW!}, my American Idol recaps be back before you can say "Seacrest [Come] Out." But I wanted to start by looking at the shows that are getting me through the heat of summer - some that have rocked me so far and a few for which I am anxiously waiting.

The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency Oh, Janice, we'd take you in any form, but how much better to see you in your element - talking about the world of fashion and modeling as only you can! And, as an added bonus, many, many, many hot mens taking off their clothings. Wanna know a secret, fagulous readers? I just recently interviewed the Divine Miss Dickinson, and you know the second I finish that article the excerpts are going straight up on Fagulous!

Deadwood Well we were all a bit shocked to learn that the planned 4th season of Deadwood will be distilled into two movies, the cocksuckers over at Deadwood are still serving up a hell of a season 3, especially now that Major Dad showed up with his big black maid, Brian Cox showed up as Deadwood's first official 'mo, Mrs. Ellsworth got back on the drugs and smart-mouthed ex-hooker Trixie took on a habit of making me fall to the floor laughing at least once an episode. No more shirtless Timothy Olyphant, sadly, but, hey, at least we got Al giving blowjob pointers mid-blowjob!

Lucky Louie Finally, proof that the sit-com is not dead . . . if you don't let writers create hackneyed bullshit we've seen fifty times and ice it with a laugh track. Louie is filmed before a live studio audience and it shows. With the pizzazz and energy of theater comedians, Louis C.K. and company put forth a fresh exploration of much-lower-middle-class misery that incldues genuine comedy, daring exploration of sexual politics and an surprising amount of gratuitious male nudity!

The 4400 I didn't watch this awesome X-Files meets X-Men tale of 4400 people taken from throughout the 20th century and returned all at once with varied, super-human abilities. Though you won't mind any 'mo characters, you'll find plenty of gorgeous mens and lots of hits-close-to-home storylines like the Quarantine of the 4400 and the goverment's other shadowy "containment" programs. But, seriously, don't just start watching - start at the beginning (buy the other seasons, watch repeats, download them - whatever!). You can jump in the pool whenever but the more back-story you know, the better. Plus, fans of L Word Season One will be excited to discover that the delicious uber-Lesbian Marina apparently left the series because she was abducted by Aliens and was returned to Seattle as an art dealer! Who knew?

Kyle XY Okay, so, yes, it does appear on the famously schmaltzy ABC Family channel and it does feature its share of schmaltz. But, thus far, the show mostly features loving, lingering film of, seriously, one of the most beautiful young actors around, Matt Dallas, whom Entourage fans will recognize from his cameo as a kept boy!

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia FX's boffo series about a quartet of bar-owning Philadelphian misfits really upped the ante this season, but it has little to do with the addition of cast member Danny Devito and a lot more to do with how the cast is no longer afraid to take their hilarious one-upsmanship comedy all the way, like in one episode where two of them decide to go on welfare and totally get hooked on crack or another where everybody tries to screw (literally!) everyone else's parents!!!

The Venture Brothers WOW! The new season started with a bang and just kept on banging. This tale of a nebbishy super-genius, his hapless sons, their too-awesome for words Body Guard Brock Sampson and a universe of inept super-villians is Camp with a Kapital K! In your face, over the top, and up yours, there's nothing jewel of Cartoon Network's adult swim won't do!

Entourage WHAT AN IMPROVEMENT! Gone are the thousands of big, fake-titted extras and no plot of Season 1 or the awkward growing pains of Season 2. Now this show knows how to hit and hit hard! Every episode something is happening, there's a crazy twist, and something gets resolved. In the meantime, it's juggling major plotlines for all the main characters and giving us tons of what Entourage does best: LET JEREMY PIVEN GO CRAZY! Seriously, I hate needles, but if they could somehow distill his star turn as super-agent Ari into a drug I'd slam that shit like a Junkie Whore! When Entourage set out to be Sex and the City for guys, I thought they'd never make it. But, surprise, surprise, they're more than halfway there!

AND I'M SQUEEZIN THE REMOTE HARD LOOKIN' FORWARD TO. . .

Project Runway And speaking of needles, Heidi's got the contestants (and us) on pins and 'em anticipating the next season. For me, Project Runway's formula is so strong, they can do no wrong, but they keep finding great new ways to spice up the show. Expect this season to get the Fagulous treatment hardcore, with recaps, discussions and input from a certain freind of the blog who used to date one of this season's contestants! (Plus, check out my interview with Tim Gunn in the new issue of Metrosource magazine - on stands in less than two weeks!

Weeds Another show that started slow, but by the third or fourth episode had me hooked like, well, you know. Sure, we hear too much about Mary-Louise Parker arguing with the show's creators (Honey, I say this as a huge fan of yours - the show is great and you're great on it - just enjoy the ride!) but with an immense subject matter (the dark, drug addled side of suburbia) and a cast of supporting characters that could make your head spin (Elizabeth Perkins? Kevin Nealon? Justin Kirk? Romany Malco? YOWSA!), I've definitely got a craving for more!

30 Days I have a confession. I have a mad crush on Morgan Spurlock. I love his movie (Supersize Me). I loved the first season of his awesome documentary show, especially when he opens the season by doing something crazy for 30 days! Last season he lived on minimum wage (with his girlfriend, who was awesome, and it made me feel a little bad for wanting to take him from her . . . a little) and this year to open this truly unique series about taking some fish and putting them out of water for thirty days (Conservatives in the Castro? Atheists amongst the Christian Right?) he's going to PRISON! Let's just hope it turns out like an episode of OZ (in a naked sexy mens way, not a shiv in the back way).

And, starting tonight, I'm going back to my childhood, as the aforementioned Adult Swim (which is to be congratulated on the most consistently awesome Netrowk Identity ever) brings back all the madness of Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Oh, Paul Reubens, you've been away too long! All right, bitches - get to posting? Which of these shows don't belong and what did I miss?

The Fagulous Week In Haiku - 7/7 Edition

2006-07-06T23:32:00.000-04:00

JEN AND VINCE ENGAGED!!!!
Shiloh Nouvel says first words
And they are: F*ck y'all!

STILL no Suri pics
Katie and Tom, what's the deal?
Did you guys eat her?

Star and Barbara: WAR!
Moral of the story is...
Don't f*ck with Walters.

Lindsay has new boobs?
So says the bloggers (and me)
A boy too? Go girl!

Meryl and Anne: flawless
'Devil' shines its way to top
Much love to you both!

Atlantic City..
What kinda fools run this state?
Let THE PEOPLE BET!

Justin's new song leaks
'SexyBack': guilty pleasure?
Worse than Nellie F?

Caption It #37

2006-07-05T18:37:00.000-04:00

Oh, Mylanta! I would caption it, "Sign of the Apocalypse" but I'm sure y'all can come up with something funnier! Go to it!

Hump Day Humps #6: Sailor vs. Marine

2006-07-05T17:51:00.000-04:00

Alright nurses. Here is my salute to the mens bustin their hump overseas. Their ain't nothin sexier than a military man. Sometimes I don't know which branch my fantasy is wif dough. Sailors have the best lookin outfits and their all on a ship with 1000's of other mens. And then we gots the marines. They all sexy with how they'd be so forceful and put yo hands behind your back and say Semper Fi or Die bitch! I'm creamin in my britches nurse. So will it be the seaman full of you know what, or the jarhead with the powerful you know what? Let Miss Patty know...

Independence Gay!!!

2006-07-03T22:39:00.000-04:00

Happy Fourth of July, y'all! So, we all have taken the blogging a little easy lately to recover from our various Pride outings (which we'll try to get y'all some pictures of - particularly of me all got up in my nurse outfit!) But I wanted to make sure to celebrate independence day by giving y'all a little something to think about. It's a very famous bunch of words that all y'all have probably quoted but most of y'all have never read in its entirety. Granted, it's about the equality of people of different races moreso than the equality of people of different sexualities, but it endures as a powerful message of hope for anyone who's hoped to see the world live in harmony and all that jazz. It is the text of the "I Have a Dream" speech by the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of captivity. But one hundred years later, we must face the tragic fact that the Negro is still not free.

One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land.

So we have come here today to dramatize an appalling condition. In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir.

This note was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation.

So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to open the doors of opportunity to all of God's children. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment and to underestimate the determination of the Negro. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights.

The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges. But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. we must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone. And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" we can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair. I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring." And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania! Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado! Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California! But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia! Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee! Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

From all the boys and girls at Fagulous — Have a Happy, Healthy and Fagulous Holiday, y'all!

Bitch, Read #5: The Good Life

2006-07-01T13:47:00.000-04:00

Though I have decided I am thoroughly not ready to watch a 9/11 themed film (sorry, Oliver), I have decided that 5 years (can you believe it's been five years!) is far removed enough from the calamity to embark upon an exploration of some 9/11 themed literature. The first on my list? Jay McInerny's The Good Life.

Yes, the author of Bright Lights, Big City is back with a book that starts on the eve of the day that changed the world. Partly a peek into the lives of Manhattan's wealthiest and not quite wealthiest, partly a love in the time of war story, McInerny weaves a story as complex as the post-9/11 New Yorkers who inhabit that.

Corrinne and Luke each find themselves vastly underoccupied. Corrine is taking time away from work to raise her children and supposedly work on a screenplay. She feels that she's glaringly inadequate - from her career to the fact that she had to have her sluttish sister provide a womb for her twins. Luke has gotten off the merry-go-round of high-stakes Wall Street investment to find that there was ultimately not so much waiting for him to get off, particularly not his adulterous, social climbing wife or his spoiled, drug-experimenting daughter.

But when Luke stumbles up to Corrinne covered in the debris of the World Trade Center and then they find each other again as they man a food station for relief workers, they both begin to fell less like their lives are over and more like they have their whole lives ahead of them.

Summarized like that, it seems very simple, but around both Corrine and Luke swirl lives full of all manner of drama. Most intruiging of all, however, is the way these characters - given an awesome opportunity to start over in the wake of tragedy - so fiercely resist being happy. The Good Life is worth reading as a tasteful portrait of a disaster that's hard to look at, and to hear the echoes of the questions that rang in so many New Yorkers heads in the months and years following 9/11.

Oh, and Luke's wife is a rich bitch who knows her fashion and her daughter is a total mess and Corrinne's sister is a total pugslut and if you imagine yourself as Corrinne during the sex scenes, you might just pop a stiffy. Well, after all that seriousness I had to say SOMETHING to get all y'all bitches a'readin'!

Caption It #36

2006-06-29T13:39:00.000-04:00

RANDY! Randy's Guide 2 Da Dirty South: THE JAZZ FUNERAL, WHAT A SEND OFF!

2006-06-29T11:35:00.000-04:00

Friends! I know ya'll must been damn lost without my guide. I am back in full swing. I was in a bit of a lull, but I took two guys and did my doctor in the morning and everything is fine now. (sept my doctor, he got a little hurt on him from some karma sutra healing move he did not do right)

Case in point: THE JAZZ FUNERAL! If you are ever so lucky to see one of these. Most come complete with a horse drawn hurse, brass band, and umbrella weilding revlers.

For an AMAZING! parody of a jazz funeral, look no further then James Bond. Starring Roger Moore, in "Live and Let Die" from 1973, the opening scene is a jazz funeral staged by the bad guys. A good bit of the movie is filmed in and around New Orleans complete with an awesome boat chase through the marsh. Check out that scrrrry gator on the movie poster. SO LOUISIANA! There is tons of F*&^%$! UP Voodoo, Voodoo Queen, and a pimp crusing around in a big ol pimp mobile.

The Jazz funeral has come a long way, take note of the then and now pics. If anything, its one hell of a send off :-)

Hump Day Humps #5: Madonna's He-Bitch or Britney's Baby Daddy

2006-06-28T17:41:00.000-04:00

Dammit nurses! I need inspiration. I got a little bit since I is abouts to go see Madge on Monday and all. And I pit her up against Ms. Spearsa cuz I just felt awful for that poor thang durin' her interview. She is more white trash than havin' your uncle mow lawns for a trailer park...specific...that's right bitches...I am that gurl. So who'd you rather hump? The Guy that is Ritchie cuz of his woman and sorta his movies or Mr. Spears?PopaZao nurses, PopaZao! I mean when you gotta choose one to hump, it is either fancy sex with no air conditions, or dirty, white trash sex with a scruffy piece of shit dad. You know though, K-Fag has been with a sister, so he gotta be doin' somethin right? Right?

Star Jones is kicked to the curb by Barbara as Rosie rounds the corner and runs her over.

2006-06-28T14:30:00.000-04:00

Dolly News Flash

Well, we all knew it was coming. It was like the 300 pound gorilla in the room. Or, maybe that was Star. Needless to say its been a wild week over in View land. Star Jones yesterday spewed yet more shit from her mouth that wasn’t planned during a disgusting hand holding ceremony (she interrupted the oh so important View banter yesterday to inform her loyal 4 fans that she was leaving the show). Well, today on The View Mrs. Wawa herself gave Star a firm talking to and told viewers that she wouldn’t be coming back. She then went on a screaming rampage and trashed Star’s dressing room and chewed Star’s entire shoe collection like the rabid Doberman she truly is. Oh, and by the way Barbara also said “We made you bitch and now we will destroy you. Die whore die.” Well, pretty much. Note to self: don’t piss Barbara off, get stomach stapled, marry a homo and plan a wedding in which you spend tons of money on a cake that you shouldn’t eat cause you’re a fat ass when you should really be looking for a new job before the D in the HOLLYWOOD sign falls on your fucking head.

Fagulous Week In Review - 6/23

2006-06-23T16:35:00.000-04:00

Angelina tells all to Anderson Cooper
Apparently her, Brad and the kids are doing SUPER!
Or, at least that's how Anderson woulda said it
He went on the Daily Show where he laughed like a big ol' faggot

Jakey photographed playing b-ball in the city
Honey, we love you, but Nikes??
Britney dyes her hair black
Carrying Tater Tot this week without dropping him, let's cut her some slack!

Taylor's first single debuts at the top of the charts
I guess America really loves him, despite being 47 and having warts
Somewhere Kat is kicking a pillow
That, or with Pete Doherty doing blow

Project Runway Season 3 has been pushed up to July twelfth!
Nothing really rhymes with that, except svelt!
We hear there are 'straight guys' this season
Now will you watch the show?? As if there was another reason...

Guy is sick of Madonna's no AC rule
He called her on it and she calls him a fool
She's afraid it will hurt her voice
We say, you iz one crazy bitch, but hey, it's her choice!

Dolly Sez: WTF Happened, Connie???

2006-06-22T14:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Faithful Readers,

This week I am keepin’ it real (and short) by havin y’all watch this clip of poor retarded Connie Chung sing goodbye to her charming yet stupidity laced show. Oh, shit this is just grand. When Alzheimers sets in kids, it ain’t pretty. Connie seems to have transported herself to an entirely different dimension as she writhes and wriggles out her Fabulous Baker Boys routine complete with a gorgeously orchestrated fainting session at the end of her lovely song. Turn up those speakers to hear the delightful grunt during the piano dismount! Bravo Connie! Now all you have left to do is throw up on national television!
PS – Miss Dolly will write the poor piano player a check from her own purse – seeing as how Connie forgot to pay him to actually play.

Comments on gown and performance are gladly accepted. No shame!

Later, love and good luck!

Miss Dolly

Humpin on Thursday Nurses #4: Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy

2006-06-22T11:19:00.000-04:00

Guurrllll, I have been ruullll busy with my new job and all. I is so sorry I ain't been keepin' up with y'all. Have a little pity for the Patty. I was supposed to do this last week, then I was supposed to do it yesterday, but damn, I is just geetin' so busy. Well this ain't nothin too new but I figure it is still vurry interesting. Who do y'all think is hotter, Jake Gyllenhaal or Heath Ledger? Would you rather top Jack Nasty, or bottom for Ennis Del Mar? You let me know. Who says you can't hump on a Thursday?

You Caption It #35

2006-06-22T10:20:00.000-04:00

Oh Brit ...

CAPTION IT #34

2006-06-21T11:06:00.000-04:00

GO FOR IT!

FIRST PLACE:
M who said: "shit, what's my name again?"

SECOND PLACE:
Ginger Snaps who said: "Brittany finally trained herself to forget the names of the bastards with whom she orgasms. She didn't realize what would happen when she rubbed one out in the ladies room!"

And last but not least THIRD PLACE:
Randy! Randy! said: ""i didn't know being on the cover of cosmo required doing anything, like signing autographs"

Bitch, Read! #4: Television Without Pity

2006-06-16T12:23:00.000-04:00

Welcome, nurses, to a very special edition of "Bitch, Read!" Now this bitch has been doing all manner of reading and I'm getting ready to tell y'all what it's all about real soon. But before I get back to actual books, I just had to devote an episode of this here festival of learnin' to my favorite web site of all time. Other than, of course, The Fagulous Blog. And SeanCody.com, for obvious reasons. It's TelevisionWithoutPity.com.

Y'all know how much I love both the reading and the television and the sarcastic bitchery. Like a Long Island Iced Tea, this superior site mixes this wildly different intoxicants into a refreshing beverage of entertainment. Recent upgrades that make the site easier to navigate than ever, and their partnership with the Yahoo! people means it should be around for a long time to come (but fortunately there's been no evidence of corporate censorship that strangles anything fagulous until you believe thatBrini Maxwell is the ultimate drag queen.)

Yes, they're still using their unmistakable brand of snark to recap TV's most talked-about shows. It's sort of like sitting there and watching the show with your best bitchy friend but not having to tell him to shut up because you're losing track of what's going on. Every important detail preserved, every piece of dialogue mocked, every great performance given a "You Go Girl!" every moment of blatant reality tv pandering run through with rapier wit! I just cannot do justice to it's Fagulosity. And, in other great TWoP news, they've got a fab slate of summer shows including Bridezillas, Big Brother All Stars and the best new show of summer, THE JANICE DICKINSON MODELING AGENCY!

So what are you waiting for? Bitch, Read!

Fagulous Week In Review - 6/16

2006-06-16T12:08:00.000-04:00

Britney goes on Matt Lauer to talk about her life
K-Fed, the baby, the rumors, oy, all that strife!
The reason for all her questionable parenting skills: "I'm country!"
Matt Lauer was secretly thinking, get this interview over and fly me back to New York City!

'Cars' makes a splashing debut
'Lake House' out this weekend, I think it looks terrible, don't you?
Mandy Moore and Zack Braff call it quits
Toni Braxton sings the national anthem and oops! she let the girls slip

World Cup madness is everywhere!
Most teams have some hideous-looking stars, to what will we stare?
I guess we can always just admire their back sides
Unfortunately, I haven't heard of any teams offering free rides!

Angie and Brad are back in LA
J-Lo marches in the Puerto Rican Day Parade
Looking stupid as usual with Marc Anthony by her side
Sandra Bullock preggers? You decide!

This concludes another week in review
Slow news week for some reason...oh wait, there's this story too!
50 pounds of marijuana found in a cabinet at Home Depot earlier this week
The owners would only comment with: "Bitch, get me the new Grateful Dead CD!"

What an Injustice!

2006-06-16T11:10:00.000-04:00

Forbes Magazine announced that Tom "Dumb-Ass, Wanker" Cruise is somehow the Most Powerful Celebrity in this here WORLD. I suppose being a closet case, soap box standing, film failure, somehow still qualifies him as Most Powerful Celebrity.

I won't even bother posting the article. This blog might self-combust.