Clairvoyant Ace Young Prepares to Leave by Singing "That's All," Folks!

Oh, nurses! I am so hung over, I think my filtering organs are going to secede from the union of my body. Fortunately, however, I did not begin my drinkin' til after American Idol, and I'm happy to say it was a VERY rewarding night. Let's look back, shall we?

1. Chris - Well, nurse, you looked smoking hot. Sadly for you, the perfermance was telethon boring. I was waiting for pictures of Sally Struthers chasing herds of African AIDS babies to appear on the screen behind you. Maybe the judges were just happy you weren't screaming like a crack monkey for once.

2. Paris - I just don't know what all the uproar is about this performance - from the judges or fans. First of all, American Airlines has a naked stewardess somewhere cuz YOU IS WEARING HER CLOTHES. Second, you came out, stood still, and sang a song without doing too much to it - something that most weeks would get you criticized for not having personality. Sure, I like the song; sure the performance was ok, but I think you could have done more to the song (or picked another from one of the AWESOME artists you mentioned in your presong interview.)

3. Elliot - I thought this performance was very classy. You looked great and sounded like one of the classic crooners. I'm surprised everyone is going on about how you "contemporized" it; considering you did the song so straight. I would've called it a throwback.

4. Kellie - Well you're a big 'ol dumb blonde. You told Rod Stewart his help TOOK A LOAD OFF YOUR CHEST which made me laugh hysterically, and seeing you vacantly stare out and sing "Bewildered Am I" was priceless too. Paula (shockingly) called it - you got ahead of the music, but you copped to it and you looked great, so you should be fine.

5. Taylor - The beginning was boring; the end kind of rocked. But I'm just over how full of yourself you seem now. You act like having fans is something you collected like action figures and their your army of Soul Patrol that you can wield at your will. Just be gracious and sing the songs. And don't point out what the parody MISSED! OY!

6. Ace - I thought, actually, it was a surprisingly good night for you. Everyone on earth knows you're going home, and I love it when people go out on goodbye songs ("That's All" is what he sang if you didn't know.) Bye!

7. KAT - Honey, chile, Kat McPhee, I love you so much. You fulfilled every last one of my heat's expectation. With Rod, you proved you knew 'em all and you could do 'em all. And the performance? "Someone to Watch Over Me" is a favorite and I still was surprised and excited. That gentle smile, a chuckle at the audience, the perfect control and clarity, the stillness and beauty. Really I'm just gushing because there are no words. Beautiful, dear. Lovely.

And by the way, a little hateration on Michael Slezak of Entertainment Weekly who dissed Kat to pump up Paris and then freaked out about how Simon doesn't like Elliot because of his looks like IT WAS SOME KIND OF SECRET. Honey, put down the crack pipe before you write.