American Idol: Worst Show Ever!

Now, y'all, I have gritted my teeth through the misery that was Jasmine Trias (brought to you by the state of Hawaii) and the complete embarrassing lack of being on-key that was John Stevens (brought to you by grannies with a thing for redheads) but last night was the WORST NIGHT OF IDOL . . . EVER! And I'll tell you why:

1. Lisa: "Because of You" millions of people did not watch the rest of the show.

2. Pickler: If you wink when the song says "blink of an eye" you are officially an asshole.

3. Ace: Just when I thought nothing could make me tell you to button up your shirt - YOU POINT TO YOUR SCAR when you sang the word scar. You also touched your HAIR when you said hair. What is this? Pre-school?

4. Taylor, please God stop singing this repetitive bullshit. Sing, boy, sing! It's what you're here for! BUILD to something.

5. Mandiva, please girl. To quote a musical about hookers, "Tuesday? What you gotta be singing hymns for on a Tuesday?" And it might not have been so bad without that agressively preachy opener. I'll be the one to decide if I can overcome my addictions, thank you very much.

6. Chris, come on. Everyone in the world has compared you to the Stapp. You essentially just got up there and declared that you would play second banana to kid rock in a homemade porn. Also, screamy, boring, and anyone who might enjoy that type of performance probably thinks you're a prissy sell-out for being on Idol already.

7. Katharine! My love! You started out a bit off-key but you recovered! Please, sweetheart, don't let them hand you a shitty arangement! You can't let them cut anywhere. That last comment also applies to your clothes, which - and I have to give props to Joe R on TWoP for this one for calling the outfit. It's a costume from Joss Whedon's Firefly/Serenity sci-fi cowboys in space show.

8. Bucky, you better spin that mic some more cuz I'm bored with everything else. Actually, if you have a scar, I encourage you to show us that.

9. PARIS! Girl, you did not just get on up there and drop it like it's hot on national TV WHILE you was singing. Mad props, honeychile.

10. Elliot. Good vocal, I guess. What else can I say? You have not made any attempt to get your look together. You have not made any attempt to make your personality not fade in the big studio lights, honey. You have a great voice, but YOU ARE NOT PARTICIPATING IN YOUR OWN RECOVERY!

Sigh. I'm gonna go NOT DOWNLOAD mp3s of last night shows because NOTHING IS WORTH DOWNLOADING.