Is AI Almost "Memories" for Paris Bennet?

Oh, nurses! Well, well, well, the time has come for me to talk about a number of American Idol-related thingiess. First of all, would you just LOOK at this picture. Look at all these monkeys smiling at the camera like they just graduated from hair school, and look at Kat McPhee, gazing with wit and feisty beauty. DIVINE!

And now, to the judges. Y'all ARE WRONG. WRONG. First of all, Paula Abdul, you are just too drunk. You are about to teeter off yo' platform when you're spinnin' those arms and flailing at Cowell. Second, stop fueding with Ryan. No one wants to see that. Third, what were all y'all smokin' last night cuz yo' comments was all manner of shit. To be more specific:

KAT - You know those performances that the judges praise and then watch back and on results they're like "On second though. . . It didn't work on TV." I can only assume THE OPPOSITE will happen, cuz the judges were harsh as shit to my lovely wonder and, here at home, it was looking damn good. Finally, a dress that shows off your figure (and what a figure!). Finally, a performance where you get to be lively and aggressive but remain in control. And, really judges, anything you say about Whitney Houston and whether or not one can compare to her is moot because she turned out to SIT IN HER BATHROOM ON HER VIBRATOR ALL DAY SMOKING CRACK. "I Have Nothing," indeed. I also suspect the judges would not have been so harsh if they'd know the mighty river of shit that was to follow.

ELLIOT - It was a fine effort for you, Elliot. You continue to grow and mature. Although judging from Paula's reaction to your "A Song for You" she might want to mature you a little more. For me? I thought you lost intensit about halfway through.

PICKLER - Useless! Nasal, off-key and endlessly boring. And you look like someone just stapled some rhinestones to your titties! Go away, Pickler! Stop stealing votes from people who can sing?

PARIS - The elderly women who live in Paris' weave continue to sing on her behalf, however this week's is an aging over-the-top cabaret singer with facial palsy who rolls each word around in her mouth like someone trying to taste for individual sperm in a load. It was just ok for me, dawg.

TAYLOR - You lost your charm for me a long time ago, sweetie. You have also proved that "Once" is a very ugly sounding word and should certainly not be used repeatedly in a song and especially not held. Again with the starting small and ending big but the small wasn't solid enough and the big wasn't big enough. I really hope the soul patrol develops carpal tunnel and can't dial.

CHRIS - Please do not perform with guitar players flanking you like El Hombre Mucho Macho. Please do not sing the worst song ever writted 'Have You Ever Really (reallly really really really really ever really ever ever really) Loved a [Va-Jay-Jay Possessor]?" And, I'm sorry, I know you found it annoying but you really did sing better when they made you lie down. So lie down already. And stay there. And gently spread your legs, it won't hurt at all. . . What? Who? Where?

All I have to say is that if Kat goes home tonight because those crack faced loser producers put her first knowing she wouldn't be quite as good as last week (hard to live up to) and knowing the judges could only give her negative critcism if they had not first seen the shitty shitty shit shit to follow, someone will be punished. I'm gonna say Paris or Elliot based on the fact that they both have small fan followings and even great performances (which Paris' was not so much) couldn't save them.

DON'T FUCK WITH ME, BITCHES, THIS IS NOT MY FIRST TIME TAKING REVENGE ON A REALITY SHOW!