Did Elvis Eradicate McPheever?

Oh, nurses! Woe is me! My poor little fingers are chafed and twisted from voting thousands of times for my McPhee! Because she was so great? Oh no, because she had an off night, and I called everyone I know and begged them to vote to save her! (Well I sent out a text message to multiple recipients. . . but you know what I mean! What happened? Let's go performance by performance, shall we?

THROW AWAY THE KEY
Taylor sings "Jailhouse Rock" in a way that is constantly derided on this show - as very good karaoke. The reason this sort of, throw your back out choreography meets vocals reminiscent of the original type of performance is criticized is because NO ONE WILL BUY AN ALBUM OF KAROAKE, even if it is good. But, yes, all right, the suit was nice.

I SHUDDER TO THINK, IF THE SANDMAN LOOKED LIKE THIS . . .
Elliot's "If I Could Dream" started out tremendously dull and ended up with him doing his best impression of a goat doing a less than spectacular impression of Mariah Carey after a sex change operation sitting on a washing machine. But, yes, already I was worried because if Elliot doesn't go, Kat's in trouble.

SUSPICIOUSLY BORING
Ok, at first I was happy knowing Kat would have the all important pimped out end the evening spot. Then I was even happier when Chris turned out his super-snoozy version of "Suspicious Minds." Then I was shocked as the judges praised his ass for it. Then I remembered they were ALL SUCKING HIS DICK.

ALL SCREWED UP
Oh, Kat. Honey. Well, to praise you like I should, yes, the turn around when you forget the lyrics maneuver is a classic which I have used while lip synching from the day one. BUT, sweetness, the hair - could we not spray it to keep it out of our mouth? And more importantly - YOU ONLY HAVE LIKE A MINUTE TO SING, COULDN'T YOU JUST SING THE ONE SONG? The bad mash up of "Hound Dog" and "All Shook Up" led to too much going on and by the time our girl got to her vocal tricks the whole thing had gotten a little lost. But, hey, she was gonna pull a "Someone to Watch Over Me" on "Can't Help Falling in Love", right? RIGHT?

GO BACK THERE
Taylor sings "In the Ghetto" and it is horrible. Boring. The lyrics are so laughable. The middle he tried to rachet it up, then he returned to the snooze pad for the end. And the judges went ape for it. BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN EATING HIS ASS SINCE DAY ONE. I'm so tired of this - he's like split personality, half Epilepsy, half Narcolepsy.

FINALLY, A SONG FOR YOUR FACE
All right, it was a pretty virtuosic performance for Elliot. But, I mean, was it ever clearer as he sang "I'm Evil" and made the same EEEEVIL faces he's been making that he is clearly either facially challenged or the legitimate offspring of Satan? And now I'm really worried about Kat.

A LITTLE LESS . . . OF YOUR TIRED ASS
Ok, this was just a disaster. Too low. Little actual singing. And that grunt at the end? Like something jamming the food processor! But, hey, ok, I'll admit it. You had me at boxer briefs. When you said it, I was like, that's cheap. And now, as I type this, I am picturing you walking toward me wearing only those, arms wide open in your scott stapplike way, to touch and caress me. Of course in my fantasy you've also SHUT THE HELL UP.

BLUE, BLUE, BLUE KATMAS
All she had to do, nurses, is come out and sing the song. And she seemed like she would. And then there was the glory note that she CANNOT HIT. KAT, YOU CANNOT HIT THAT NOTE, STOP TRYING TO SING IT! What happened to the easy, "Someone to Watch Over Me Performance"? Or maybe even a cute little bluesy shakeup like you did with - still my favorite - "Since I Fell For You." And what on GOD'S GREEN EARTH ARE YOU WEARING, NURSE? That's it, honey. If you survive this week - and I only hope the bitches like me who dialed our fingers to the bone could make it happen - I want bright, well cut clothes, hair that stays in place, and I want you to STOP FORCING IT. American Idols sound effortless, not like accordions being squeezed by bodybuilders. No matter what Carrie Underwood tells you.

A NOTE ON PRETENDING YOU DIDN'T MARRY THE BITCH
Can I just say TOMMY MOTTOLA, STOP TRYING TO PRETEND YOU WEREN'T MARRIED TO MARIAH. It was years! You were proffessionally and personally intertwined! Don't show me her picture and not mention that you were like THE GUY. I mean you don't need to pull a Lachey but include her in the list, "Tommy worked with lots of talented bitches like Destiny's Child and GODDAMN MARIAH." If you gonna walk down the aisle with the bitch, you own up to it. Even if she didn't birth you no babies. LOVE YOU FOREVER, MIMI!