Twas the Night Before Idol

Twas the night before Idol's last Season 5 show,
And already excitement had started to grow:
The idols and judges were snug in their beds
While visions of record deals danced in their heads.

A handful of valium, washed down with some scotch
(Plus a little valtrex for the itch in her crotch)
had stopped Paula's tears, she did not make a peep,
though her outfit looked lusty and busty and cheep

And somewhere backstage, fast asleep, out of sight,
A large man mumbled, "Dawg! That's a hot one tonight!"
While elsewhere a mogul was counting his money,
Planning things he could say to be mean but still funny.

Melissa McGhee nearly flew into fits
As she used a tire pump to enlarge her tits.
While Ace looked on, stroking himself, very late,
Thinking, "I bet this would get me off if I was straight."

Bucky Covington fretted and fussed with his hair,
Trying madly to get the right filthiness there,
And poor Lisa Tucker, she nearly went blind,
As her The O.C. guest spot she'd watch and rewind.

Keving Covais crouched low by a door,
Telling mole people, soon he would rule them once more.
While Pickler was pickled right out of her face,
She'd got drunk with Chef Puck and let him reach third base!

Chris Daughtry was cutting himself – how hardcore! -
And telling himself he was no idol whore.
While Mr. Yamin sniffed his fingers, all right!
They still smelled of Paula Abdul from last night!

Meanwhile Paris played dress up and tried to calm Taylor,
Who'd flipped his nut and locked himself in a trailer.
She finally coaxed him to go for a stroll —
Disguised as a "cop" sent by the soul patrol.

When out on the stage, there arose such a clatter,
Kat rose from her bed to see what was the matter.
She was shocked, to be sure, by the sight that she found,
For she'd never seen so much fat bouncing around.

All that fat was attached to Mandisa's backside,
And Kat heard the bitch shout, "You can't run! You can't hide!"
Then she realized why fatty was screeching away:
She was after poor Ryan! She thought he was gay!

For Mandisa, you see, was a gay-hating Poo,
But she was so large, what was poor Kat to do?
Then Ryan saw Kat, and he shouted with glee,
"You must save me, McPhee! Simply hit a high C!"

So she took a deep breath and she let out a belt,
That even by comatose Paula was felt,
And soon a large chandelier started to crack
And it fell on Mandisa's fat, gay-hatin' back.

And Ryan, so grateful, he went to thank Kat.
He said, "I don't know how to repay you for that.
But I can tell you one secret that I now know:
The results of tomorrow night's finale show."

"I wish I could say that I had better news,
but the numbers all say that you're going to lose."
But Kat smiled as she said, "Don't you worry 'bout me.
Win or lose, you have not heard the last of McPhee!"