RANDY! Randy's Guide to the Dirrty South: Miss All Beef Patty Style...Meltdown

RANDY! Randy has been doin his weekly thang about his guide to the dirty south. He's busy warshin' somethin off of his arm so I'm fillin' in for him this week. What some of y'all might not have known is that Miss All Beef Patty hails from the south as well. She grew up in Sugar Land, home of all dat is sweet, and then ran off to school in the great city of Austin.

This weekend in Austin, the Bo's and Mo's throw a shindig called First Splash, otherwise known as Meltdown. It is held every Memorial Day Weekend. There are circuit parties, lake parties and mens from all over the country. Ms. Patty used to attend these every year. She even worked the door at events for it one year. She got herself a fancy little wrist band that opened the door to free alcohol at every gay venue in Austin. Her favorite memories are from the lake though. There is a bunch of queers that head to a place called Hippie Hollow, where drinking and nudity is allowed. For fun at the lake, if you ever venture down to the capital of Texas, here are a few tips...

Tip #1: The urrly burd catches the mens.
Don't buy your swim suit at a store in the mall the day before. Fancy queens will be wearing designer swimsuits and the college boys will be wearing A&F. If you want to make a splash, I'd suggest something from eBay, new or vintage. If you can't find the perfect swim suit, that's fine too cuz errbody will be too drunk to care.

Tip #2: "You on camera now, I got you"
Bring a camera gurl. You never know what yo ass is gonna see. Hippie Hollow is the most famous "clothing-optional" area in Austin. You gonna see a lot of naked mens with their scrimps hangin tween their legs. Take pictures and make a slide show for the projector.

Tip #3: Big ol' Chests
To get to the fun part of the lake, it's a bit of a hike, so make sure your cooler full of cheap beer has good handles on it. It's also helpful if you have a friend to share the burden. Make sure you bring cans too, cuz bottles don't fly at the lake...well they do fly, but chu know whatta mean.

Tip #4: Wear protection.
You gonna get drunk. You gonna get sun. Don't get too burnt that you end up lookin like lobster when you go out later that night. Tans might be cute but gettin burnt ain't.

Tip #5: Get in a van with strangers.
Park far away and take the shuttle or else yo ass is gonna be sittin in traffic, havin to pee, and then you is gonna start bitchin like a drag queen. It's ruulll cheap too.

TIp #6: If the barge is a rockin', GET YO ASS OFF!
This is what happens when too many queens are prolly on G and rockin da boat a lil' too much. Be careful chilrens.Read this here story bout dat there picture

That's all I got for you. If you need any other tips on gay shit to do in Texas, Ms. Patty is here for you babies.