Here's Your Top Two, America!

Well, kids, here they are, and not a bad final two at that. Kat McPhee, you can do this, you can win American Idol. Here's some advice straight from Ginger.

1. Never sing "Think" again. We understand, they made you sing it on the CD. They own the rights. We get it. It ain't your strong suit. Don't do it.

2. When they ask you how you liked going home, do not use the word "boring." Do not shrug. Do not say "even if not that many people came out for me." We get it, you live in LA. People don't get excited if you increase your cup size four letters. But middle America still wants to see you hoot 'n holler like you're from Sweet Home Alabama.

3. Sabotage. Gently suggest that Taylor pick bad songs. Not bad enought hat he wins sympathy. Just bad enough that he's not worth voting for. Also, if you put eyedrops in his water bottle before he goes on he'll have terrific diarreah in time for the closing number. I'm not recommending it. I'm just saying.

4. Just sing the song. They gonna give you a shitty song, nurse. It's almost always a shitty song, the so-called "Idol Single." And you gonna be tempted to tart it up like Li'l Kim putting stickers on her titties. Do not under any circumstances, do this. A little fun here and there is fine, but show restraint. And limit dancing. Perform as often as possible on your knees or on the floor. (Look how well it worked for Madonna!)

5. KEEP YOUR HAIR OUT YOUR FACE. You know what i'm saying.

Good luck, girlina. I can't wait to buy your album, either way!

All right, bitches, who's our American Idol? Let me hear it! Shecrest out!!!