Dolly Sez: Plan that Hitchin', Sister!

Dear Loyal Readers:

I recently had a query about how to plan a weddin' successfully and I wanted to share my nuptial knowledge with you.

“Dear Miss Dolly: My boyfriend proposed to me last week and I said yes. We don’t have very much money and we live in a 4th floor walk-up in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. How can I plan a nice wedding when my soon to be husband is a plumber and I am a temp/artist?”
-Carole in Bay Ridge

There you have it folks, a young bride-to-be in Bay Ridge.
Well Carole with an 'E' (nice touch), I do declare that you have quite the challenge ahead of you, honey. Just how does a blushing bride plan a hitchin' when she’s flat broke? Well, you do it down-home style of course darlin! It doesn’t take a whole bunch of money to look ravishing – you just gotta do it right. I assume Bay Ridge is some sort of artsy fartsy colony so you could get your friends to help you make some clothes for the bridesmaids and yerself. Carole, do you have any gay friends? I find that homespun frocks are quite endearing when the right fabrics are sewn meticulously in the hands of a gay man. Take for example a simple cotton cast-off from your local Salvation Army – this could be a garment goldmine in the right nimble fingers! The dress could be adapted to your form and shape, add a shawl made of polyester lace and some sandals and shazzam! Supermodel! No sense in turning into bridezilla trying to fit the Lord, your man and yourself together.

Jesus, Daddy and the Spook don’t care what the hitchin looks like as long as you take a stab at greatness.

Now for the location. I find that in urban areas, a friend’s block closed off with some traffic cones on one end and a street hockey net on the other makes that slow stroll toward the altar an unforgettable experience. As for the altar, construct one using painted cinderblocks laced with dollar store silk carnations - a glamorous place to say I DO if I do say so myself! For an extra special touch hang color coordinated bunting from the side mirrors of the cars parked along the street to help create the look of an outdoor aisle. You and your pipe layin' man can start at one end of the block and work your way to the other all the while enjoying the toothless smiles of well wishers sitting in beach chairs along either side. For music, take advantage of all those cars lining the block – they got CD players, honey! Try to park yer clunker near the altar, roll the windows down, and blast that hitchin music, girl! For the reception go with a coupla Crave Cases from White Castle displayed daintily on white paper doilies laid out across a ping pong table from your friends back patio. Don't worry about the cake, sweet thang, I find that guests on crystal meth don't eat much. Don’t fret about booze Carole, just make sure to mark the Evite BYOB (and that last B don't stand for bitches for you African Americans that will be in attendance). Now comes the fun part: the SEX. For this, head to Atlantic City, sweetness. Its only a cheap bus ride away and you can make a day trip out of it! No bothering with that deep pockets hotel expense! AC is as romantic as you can get on a bottom-of-the-barrel budget. Think of you and your man lying in the sand next to one another smoking crack and watchin a Mets game on a TV that has an 80 foot long extension cord plugged into the closest beach motel. Its just delightful, isn’t it? Well Carole, I think I’ve helped you with the plans – now take my advice and included photos and run honey! Oops, don’t trip!

Later, love and good luck,
Miss Dolly