The Fagulous Blog!

Learning the Fags of Life!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Bitch, Read! #1: Alternatives to Sex


Well, nurses, time has come to educate your cocktail-degraded minds. Now, for me, I get a lot of books come across my desk, but for the most part I only end up putting big 'ol photo books in my magazine - you know? The porny shots of bathroom faucets and hot photgraphers convincing celebrities to look like they have epilepsy?

So I decided, since I'm reading these literary works (master and otherwise), I'd share some of the good ones with you. This week's entry is a light, compelling read called, "Alternatives to Sex." A real estate agent who compulsively cleans and compulsively has sex with internet tricks attempts to abstain. With his newfound freetime, he schemes how to reconcile the marriage of a couple looking for an apartment in Boston, how to collect thousands of dollars in back rent from his new-age yogi tenant Kumiko Rothberg (read: not her real name), how to satisy an aggressive inspirational speaker who overprices her apartment in the extreme, how to finally convince a noted sex-authoress to finally make it all the way through a closing and how to keep his best friend (and possible love of his life?) Edward from fleeing to San Diego after years of being "just friends."

There's plenty to love about this book — it's plotted in a way that makes you want to turn the page but it's not overly intricate or dependent on one of those "big reveals" that so often falls flat. As you can probably already tell, the cast of characters is colorful and thensome (but also not overburdened with unbelievable eccentricities). But my favorite thing about the book, and this is what makes it kind of genius really, is the narrator's voice. Author Stephen McCauley (who also wrote "The Object of My Affection" which was adapted into a lovely, underrated film of the same title starring Paul Rudd and Jennifer Anniston) truly knows his narrator. He picks beautiful moments to remind us everything is being seen through one of his particular lenses — that of a gay man, an obsessive compulsive (not serious, thankfully!), and most hilariously, a man who knows his real estate and what people are really looking for.

And let me tell you, they are some lenses worth looking through! RATING: 4 out of 5 FagBags!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Faggot Feud #1 - Fagulous Difficulties


Bitches - I know y'all voted and, though the results were close, ANTM's Jade was clearly declared a HOT MESS by the Fagulous Community. But, I dunno, nurses, I just can't bring myself to hate all over her like a homeless man peeing on a homeless woman late at night at the Queensborough Plaza subway station.

You see, one week she's a TOTAL HEMORRHOID, telling Nnenna to stay with John so we have to hear more of that useless storyline, but then she comes out and is the only one who truly captures the spirit of the (totally amazing that something this gay was broadcast on national televisoin) 'aswirl twins.' That shot of her coming down the church aisle? Priceless. Much like the homeless peeing incident.

So, what do we think, nurses? Shall we suspend the results of Fagulous Feud #1 until Jade gets kicked off? OH AND WHO'S LOOKING FORWARD TO THE BANISHING OF THE SNAGGLETOOTH NEXT WEEK!!!

You Caption It #17


I was going to title this one 'Ashley Olsen 2024' but what would you say?

WINNER: Ginger Snaps
CAPTION: What the scientists didn't know when they threw away the next-generation super-silicone implants was that they had already begun to spawn superbitches in their cozy womblike structure. They didn't know . . . UNTIL SHE HATCHED!!!

Bye, Bye, Bucky!


YAY! I love it when the results of American Idol allow me to easily parody Broadway show titles. But seriously folks, congratulations on once again keeping the gorgeous and talented Kat McPhee out of the bottom three. Sorry Bucky, you got more attractive as the weeks went on, but there was never all that much happening there, sweetness. However, due to the unexpected huge goodness of Queen night, I have removed my hate from some of the idols and must now re-iterate my positions on the remaining Lucky 7.

1. Kat McPhee - Honey, you know I love you, but Simon was right - "Who Wants to Live Forever" could have beem THE MOMENT. Way to steal the song from ManHatingBitchDisa, but remember to keep control so you don't screech out on the high notes. (I have the same issue... though I guess my notes aren't quite as high.)

2. Paris - LOVE LOVE LOVE the eighties outfit, girl. Loved the performance.

3. Pickler - Listen, ok, I don't like the Underwood. And I don't like that you're the Underwood clone, but I DO love the outfit and vote you most stylistically like an actualy Queen cover.

4. Elliot - Zzzzzzzzz...

5. Taylor - Sweetie, i told myself that when you got back to form and started spazzing out again and singing all over the place and rocking out I would love you again. But sadly, no, the love is gone. Good job on the Queen Medley, though.

6. Chris - HATE. But good job, also, on the Queen medley.

7. Ace - Shave your legs and find a drag review and a heroin addiction because you are officially A MESS.

Also, please, whoever does the pimp-o-mercials and medleys - ALLOW KAT TO SING, BITCHES. No one wants to hear these other skank whores showcased - we already have to suffer a minute and a half a week with most of them. SHIT!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

You Caption It #16



WINNER: evelina 69
ENTRY: "I know Spot, WE were meant to be together"

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Guess The Bitch #8


Whose lips are these?

PS None of you win for the Katie Holmes 'caption it'! Try harder next time!

Rue On Aging: Fuck More, Make Wrinkles Disappear!


Spoken like a true Blanche Devereux!

Who remembers the episode associated with this photo? One of my faves.

"My rear tires have less pressure in them!"

Fagulous Feud #2: Carrie Underwood


i personally have never liked this bitch but people seem to like her...well christians and rednecks. i'm curious as to whether or not she has made as good of an impression on the homosexual world. as you all know she won American Idol last year, beating out an ugly hippie and this year she took home honors for breakthrough video and female video for her inspirational hit "Jesus, Take the Wheel," at the cmt awards. i would like for jesus to take the wheel and hit her face with it but i really don't know how everyone else feels about her. in addition to these honors, last year ms. underwood was named oklahoman of the year for 2005. whoopty fuckin' do...

let me know what you bitches think.