The Fagulous Week In Review

I'm a day late.

Sue me.

This time in poem form.

...Earlier in the week Paris let a boobie slip
And Britney's long pants made her 'trip'
But luckily Tater Tot was OK
And Paris made the stupid music video anyway

Gwen popped out Gavin's baby
His name is King, I think they were lazy
Your new American Idol is Taylor Hicks
Voter fraud was one of his dubious tricks

Still no photos of Tomkat's kitten
Denise and Richie Sambora spotted acting very smitten
Madonna angers Christians with her Jesus stunt
I saw the new Lindsay Lohan movie, it SUCKED, to be blunt

X-Men to rule the box office this weekend
Lance Bass once again spotted with Reichen, his VERY CLOSE FRIEND
Actually Lance and the ugly guy from Nsync were at the Idol finale
Ryan Seacret, red carpet, all those fags, I thought it was the gay pride rally

And this concludes the fagulous week in review
Did you enjoy it? I made it just for you
Hopefully this week Brangelina will explode
And paparrazzi everywhere will shoot a big load

Dolly Sez: The Red States Have Voted: Taylor Hicks, The Lord’s Most Disgusting Creation Wins

Dear Loyal Readers:

Y’all – I just finished cryin about Idol last night. It was just a terrible awful thing that happened. I hope Ginger Snaps ain’t lying in a by now cold bath after she sank in and popped one last night. I feel like George Bush just one American Idol.
However, there were some amazing highlights from last night like Dionne Warwick singing some amazing Bacharach from the good ole days. I am sure her appearance in front of 200 million+ viewers caused her dusty ole website to crash. Bless your heart Dionne – you still got it girl! Another amazing moment was when the jumpin retard appeared to take an award for being a jumpin retard and how can we forget the near blackout session of the Clay Aiken doppelganger. That was pure live TV darlins.

Miss Dolly is offering up some advice on what you can do on this dark day in American history to alleviate your feelings of misery and woe:

-Keep telling yourself that Soul Patrol is really just a 29 year old white boy who has no soul or bowel control – this tickles me pink
-Tell anyone with gray hair to fuck off
-Go to the beauty parlor and splurge on a big brown, silky, gorgeous Kat hair weave
-Condemn Birmingham, Alabama as the new axis of evil
-Find Ryan Seacrest in that gay bar in LA and give it to him in the bathroom. We know you love it Ryan!
-Grab Paula Abdul by the shoulders, shake her violently and then BITCH SLAP HER FACE
-Get outta the shithole you’re in and get on Oprah
-Run SCREAMING into your nearby emergency room yellin “NURSE!!!! I am dyin of the McPheever, help me, JESUS HELP ME!!!!”

Post away about what you are doin today to cope. Or maybe you disagree with Miss Dolly and wanted Grandpa to win?

Later, love and good luck,
Miss Dolly

Twas the Night Before Idol

Twas the night before Idol's last Season 5 show,
And already excitement had started to grow:
The idols and judges were snug in their beds
While visions of record deals danced in their heads.

A handful of valium, washed down with some scotch
(Plus a little valtrex for the itch in her crotch)
had stopped Paula's tears, she did not make a peep,
though her outfit looked lusty and busty and cheep

And somewhere backstage, fast asleep, out of sight,
A large man mumbled, "Dawg! That's a hot one tonight!"
While elsewhere a mogul was counting his money,
Planning things he could say to be mean but still funny.

Melissa McGhee nearly flew into fits
As she used a tire pump to enlarge her tits.
While Ace looked on, stroking himself, very late,
Thinking, "I bet this would get me off if I was straight."

Bucky Covington fretted and fussed with his hair,
Trying madly to get the right filthiness there,
And poor Lisa Tucker, she nearly went blind,
As her The O.C. guest spot she'd watch and rewind.

Keving Covais crouched low by a door,
Telling mole people, soon he would rule them once more.
While Pickler was pickled right out of her face,
She'd got drunk with Chef Puck and let him reach third base!

Chris Daughtry was cutting himself – how hardcore! -
And telling himself he was no idol whore.
While Mr. Yamin sniffed his fingers, all right!
They still smelled of Paula Abdul from last night!

Meanwhile Paris played dress up and tried to calm Taylor,
Who'd flipped his nut and locked himself in a trailer.
She finally coaxed him to go for a stroll —
Disguised as a "cop" sent by the soul patrol.

When out on the stage, there arose such a clatter,
Kat rose from her bed to see what was the matter.
She was shocked, to be sure, by the sight that she found,
For she'd never seen so much fat bouncing around.

All that fat was attached to Mandisa's backside,
And Kat heard the bitch shout, "You can't run! You can't hide!"
Then she realized why fatty was screeching away:
She was after poor Ryan! She thought he was gay!

For Mandisa, you see, was a gay-hating Poo,
But she was so large, what was poor Kat to do?
Then Ryan saw Kat, and he shouted with glee,
"You must save me, McPhee! Simply hit a high C!"

So she took a deep breath and she let out a belt,
That even by comatose Paula was felt,
And soon a large chandelier started to crack
And it fell on Mandisa's fat, gay-hatin' back.

And Ryan, so grateful, he went to thank Kat.
He said, "I don't know how to repay you for that.
But I can tell you one secret that I now know:
The results of tomorrow night's finale show."

"I wish I could say that I had better news,
but the numbers all say that you're going to lose."
But Kat smiled as she said, "Don't you worry 'bout me.
Win or lose, you have not heard the last of McPhee!"

You Caption It #30

Yes, this is Goldie Hawn.

Yikes.



Third Place... miss all beef patty said "Death Becomes Her 2: Old Plastic Never Dies"

Second Place... Ginger Snaps said "Goldie left the clinic, unamused by her gynecologist's sense of humor."

FIRST PLACE (hands down!!)... evelina69 said "Hello Dr. 90210, how much for a face lift, a boob lift, a ass lift.. oh fuck it ... if it hanging, pull it up! Oh yeah, how much with the Senior Citizens Discount."

Hump Day Humps #2: Cyclops vs. Wolverine

Once again it is hump day chillrens, and I can't wait to see the results of this week's match-up. See, I'm gettin' ruulll excited about this X-Mens 3 about to open up at theatres on Friday. In honor of mens with super powers and tight clothin all over their musskuls, Ms. Patty is givin' y'all two choices from this Marvel-ous action team.

James Marsden plays Cyclopsees and Hugh Jackman plays Wolferine. Now I don't give a damn who'd win in a fight to the death. That would be one less beautiful mens in the world and make Ms. Patty sadder than a wet cat in a microwave. All I cares about is whos you wanna wake up to in the mornin, funky breath and all.

Hugh and James are so fine, I don't know who I'd choose to hump. That's why I leave it up to y'all. So who will it be? Base it on superpowers or superfine-ness. As always, you only get one choice.

KAT MCPHEE - LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE GIRL!

UPDATE: Go to CNN.com and vote for KAT MCPHEE on the poll in the bottom right hand corner!

Well, kids, our beautiful Kitten Kat McPhee is going up against Salt-n-Pepper Gumbo Taylor Hicks tonight, and, well all we can say is: YOU BETTER VOTE FOR THIS GIRL! Screw those pundits and pollsters that say Taylor's a lock. I say, so what if Katharine hasn't been perfect? When she's at her best, Katharine McPhee shines bigger and brighter than Taylor Hicks and his box of tics ever will. Plus, Kat is only growing to grow more and more polished as she ages. I'm pretty sure Taylor has been through his metamorphosis - this is what came out of the coccoon and this is how he's going to fly. Here are some other Kat McPhanatics who agree. . .

The Kat McPhee Fan Site

Katharine-McPhee.org

Kat McPhee in Wikipedia!

Kat McPhee Online

Kat Mc Phee on IMDB!

We love you Kat! We've caught the McPheever and we don't wanna be cured! And don't forget to put eyedrops in that swampy bastard's water bottle, gurl! God helps bitches who help themselves to some sabotage, you know!

Wedding You Are Most Like To Vomit At

Which A-list celeb hired BETTE MIDLER TO SING 'WIND BENEATH MY WINGS?' at her upcoming wedding?

Apparently, the celeb and Bette have a lot in common because they were both born in Hawaii.

Guesses before I post the link to the article?

RANDY! Randy's Guide to the Dirrty South: Miss All Beef Patty Style...Meltdown

RANDY! Randy has been doin his weekly thang about his guide to the dirty south. He's busy warshin' somethin off of his arm so I'm fillin' in for him this week. What some of y'all might not have known is that Miss All Beef Patty hails from the south as well. She grew up in Sugar Land, home of all dat is sweet, and then ran off to school in the great city of Austin.

This weekend in Austin, the Bo's and Mo's throw a shindig called First Splash, otherwise known as Meltdown. It is held every Memorial Day Weekend. There are circuit parties, lake parties and mens from all over the country. Ms. Patty used to attend these every year. She even worked the door at events for it one year. She got herself a fancy little wrist band that opened the door to free alcohol at every gay venue in Austin. Her favorite memories are from the lake though. There is a bunch of queers that head to a place called Hippie Hollow, where drinking and nudity is allowed. For fun at the lake, if you ever venture down to the capital of Texas, here are a few tips...

Tip #1: The urrly burd catches the mens.
Don't buy your swim suit at a store in the mall the day before. Fancy queens will be wearing designer swimsuits and the college boys will be wearing A&F. If you want to make a splash, I'd suggest something from eBay, new or vintage. If you can't find the perfect swim suit, that's fine too cuz errbody will be too drunk to care.

Tip #2: "You on camera now, I got you"
Bring a camera gurl. You never know what yo ass is gonna see. Hippie Hollow is the most famous "clothing-optional" area in Austin. You gonna see a lot of naked mens with their scrimps hangin tween their legs. Take pictures and make a slide show for the projector.

Tip #3: Big ol' Chests
To get to the fun part of the lake, it's a bit of a hike, so make sure your cooler full of cheap beer has good handles on it. It's also helpful if you have a friend to share the burden. Make sure you bring cans too, cuz bottles don't fly at the lake...well they do fly, but chu know whatta mean.

Tip #4: Wear protection.
You gonna get drunk. You gonna get sun. Don't get too burnt that you end up lookin like lobster when you go out later that night. Tans might be cute but gettin burnt ain't.

Tip #5: Get in a van with strangers.
Park far away and take the shuttle or else yo ass is gonna be sittin in traffic, havin to pee, and then you is gonna start bitchin like a drag queen. It's ruulll cheap too.

TIp #6: If the barge is a rockin', GET YO ASS OFF!
This is what happens when too many queens are prolly on G and rockin da boat a lil' too much. Be careful chilrens.Read this here story bout dat there picture

That's all I got for you. If you need any other tips on gay shit to do in Texas, Ms. Patty is here for you babies.

Bitch, Read! #3: Full Circle

Michael Thomas Ford is nothing if not prolific and unafraid to explore new genres. He's offered humorous essays (Alec Baldwin Doesn't Love Me), erotic tales (Tangled Sheets), do-it-yourself instructions (Ultimate Gay Sex) and absorbing gay novels (Looking for It). Without intending to, I've read a great deal of Ford, and though I've never had a problem with his work, it is not until now that I felt he achieved something truly great.

I'm referring to his latest novel Full Circle, but in a way I feel like it's almost a disservice to call it "latest" as though this novel were even in the same league as the others. Again, it sounds like a backhanded compliment, but it's not intended to be. Imagine if you suddenly found out that you found out the author of your favorite pulpy romance novels also had written one of the best books you ever read in college.

And in another way, calling it the "latest" is quite accurate because Ford has taken the soapy gay romance and fun surprises in plot that made books like Looking for It so much fun and added an immensely evolved charting of the course of the latter half of the twentieth century. I was hooked on the story of Ned and Jack — next-door neighbors whose childhood friendship blossoms into love in the 1950s and 1960s. Up through their high school years, I thought of the work as a portrait of a very complicated gay relationship peppered with wonderful cultural references — space launche, Beatlemania, etc. But once the boys ship off the college, where they meet militant Black Panthers, go to parties awash in pot and acid and then face the threat of the Vietnam draft, I realized that this was an attempt at a Great American Novel.

And the attempt, for the most part, succeeds terrifically. The book uses the springboard of these two characters (and their college-acquired buddy, sexpot Andy) to tell the story of Gay history. I feel like I learned so much - about Vietnam, the dawn of the gay rights era in San Francisco, the first strike of the AIDS crisis and the rising tide of protest that fought against it. In many ways, it is a quintessential expression of the gay experience in the latter half of the twentieth century and I would recommend it to anyone.

Oh, and, yeah, there's some pretty arousing sexual content in there, too. And the fact that the novel apart from it is so engrossing as its own thing that every time the sex comes around it's a surprise - well that makes it even more of a sexy treat. I can't help but hope that for his next work, Ford doesn't bother so much with the sexual specifics. Yes, they're like chocolate truffles on top of an already decadent dessert. But when the cake is this good, you don't need too much frosting.

Caption It #29

in honor of seeing xtina in every magazine lookin' xtra fine, genie in a keg barrel would like for you to caption her lookin xtra large. it's fake but fantastic. thank you for bringin' a smile to miss all beef patty's face worth1000.com

winners

third place goes to evelina for "No my name is not Brittney and I am Not Pregnant!"

second place goes to anonymous for "Where is my publicist with the bathroom key?"

and first place goes to matilda for how well he used imagery with "the only 'dirrrty' christina knows nowadays is when the butter drips onto her girdle."

Truck Stop Sex, Judith Regan, Nurses (probably) and Oprah: Ex Jersey Governor Continues to be a Gay American.

Dolly News Break:

Excerpts tell of McGreevey's personal torment!

Monday, May 22, 2006 ASSOCIATED PRESS
NEWARK -- Recently released excerpts from his upcoming book tell the story of a troubled man resorting to anonymous homosexual trysts at highway rest stops as he wrestled with desires frowned on by his Roman Catholic faith and his family.
But former Gov. James E. McGreevey -- who shocked the nation in 2004 by proclaiming himself "a gay American" while announcing his impending resignation -- said Saturday that he was "doing great" during an appearance at Book Expo America in Washington, D.C.
"I'm in a good place," the 48-year-old McGreevey told The Sunday Star-Ledger of Newark.
ReganBooks, a division of HarperCollins, is paying McGreevey up to $500,000 for the 384-page memoir. After the book's expected September release, he will go on a national promotional tour that includes an appearance on Oprah Winfrey's television show.
The newly released book excerpts do not mention the former aide whom sources close to McGreevey have identified as the man with whom he had an extramarital affair.
Nor do the excerpts detail his two marriages, or even the scandal that became public knowledge during an Aug. 12, 2004, televised news conference, in which McGreevey acknowledged a gay affair and said he would resign.
What the book passages do describe is McGreevey's struggle with his own homosexuality and his efforts to be a straight man: staring at Playboy centerfolds, praying, reading psychology texts, frequenting go-go bars and becoming "as avid a womanizer as anybody else on the New Jersey political scene."
"I knew I would have to lie for the rest of my life -- and I knew I was capable of it," McGreevey wrote. "The knowledge gave me a feeling of terrible power."
According to McGreevey, what he always wanted was a relationship with a man, but because that would ruin his chances of success as a politician, he instead engaged in secret encounters.
"So, instead, I settled for the detached anonymity of bookstores and rest stops -- a compromise, but one that was wholly unfulfilling and morally unsatisfactory," McGreevey wrote.
The excerpts do not mention whether the activities extended into his time as governor.
McGreevey says he became an avid student of human behavior during his rise from the state Parole Board to Woodbridge mayor to governor, and that allowed him to keep up the charade.
"I studied the moves, figured out what worked and what didn't, practiced and perfected my perfect inauthenticity," he wrote.

Love List #9: Parker Posey

Oh yes.

I love the woman.

Insanely talented. Insanely beautiful. Insanely funny. INSANELY UNDERRATED!

She has appeared in many many films but is probably best known for her work in the Waiting For Guffman/Best In Show/A Mighty Wind trilogy (of, sorts). She even has a cameo in The Sweetest Thing which dare I say, is one of my favorite movies of all time!

She has dated and dumped indie-god Ryan Adams (whom I love as well for entirely different reasons).

She's not one to shy away from oddball roles, probably because she's so fantastic in them! Her most revered roll was probably in the much-loved and equally-hated The House Of Yes in which she plays Jackie-O, a 'mentally unbalanced young woman (who thinks she's Jackie Kennedy) [that] flips into a murderous rage when her brother returns home to reveal he's engaged'. Yes, she even sleeps with her on-screen brother in the movie. It's amazing. Oh, and did I forget to mention that Tori Spelling and Freddie Prinze Jr. are in the movie as well? More amazing-ness.

Show some love for this woman in the comments!!