Rosie Joins The View, Barbara Walters Shits Her Diaper

Yep, it's really happening!

Star Jones, Barbara Walters and Rosie O'Donnell on one show...

Somehow all I can muster is UGH UGH UGH!!!

I SO FREAKIN' CALLED IT (in some cases) or Bewitched, Bothered and BOOTED!

Well nurses, another Wednesday gone by and with it another results show. I was attending the theater (more on that soon - let me just say "The History Boys" is wonderful!) and came home to turn on the DVR with shaking hands.

AND LO, it was that THE WORLD WAS JOYOUS AND BRIGHT and American Idol was GOOD. For these reasons:

1) THE JUDGES APOLOGIZED - Yesterday, I said: "You know those performances that the judges praise and then watch back and on results they're like "On second though. . . It didn't work on TV." I can only assume THE OPPOSITE will happen, cuz the judges were harsh as shit to my lovely wonder and, here at home, it was looking damn good." AND I WAS SO FREAKIN' RIGHT.

2) THE DRESS RULED — Sadly, there were no pictures of it to be found, but everyone on the net yesterday was searching for info about the beautiful yellow dress that made Kat's girls stand out and had the whole world gasping at the daringly high slit. What did I say? "Finally, a dress that shows off your figure (and what a figure!)."

3) KELLIE WENT HOME - Ok, so technically I did not call this because her humongoid fan base had already voted her through one bad week, and I figured if they were in for a penny they were in for a pound. But, lo, the Pickler fans got picky and decided they couldn't vote her through two weeks of truly terrible performances. Sorry, Kellie! I thought you were funny, but you just only get so much leeway on Idol.

4) PARIS IS BURNING - Her first visit to the bottom two. What got her there? In my own words, "An aging over-the-top cabaret singer with facial palsy who rolls each word around in her mouth like someone trying to taste for individual sperm in a load."

5) IDOL VOTERS LIKE TALENT - Creatively placed teeth and all, neither Idol voters nor Paula abdul's tear ducts can deny that Yamin has been turning up the heat and heart and he has been rewarded with at least one more chance to strut his stuff. Probably two unless either he screws up royally or Paris does an amazing job next week (or something unexpected happens with Tayor or Kat.)

6) MY LOVE IS NUMBER ONE!!! - Talk about redemption. I am officially embarrassed by how into Idol I am this year. I'm finally beginning to understand straight men and sports. And of course I picked my winner, the amazing in every way Kat McPhee, early on as I did with Fantasia, and it has been a similarly gut-wrenching ride as she turns out amazing performance after amazing performance and the audience cannot always be trusted to recognize this. But last night they did! YOU FREAKIN' RULE, AUDIENCE!

Ah, I'm floating on air. Not even the fact that Chris has been annointed by freakin' divine power to win even though I find his brand of entertainment not so much, can phase me. EVERYBODY CATCH THE MCPHEEVER!

Teri Hatcher's Eye Injury: Not A Result Of Seacrest Bukkake!

Really, how could it be?

The man is gayer than a pink feather boa on a drag queen.

It turns out it was actually a lightbulb explosion. Hmm.. curious.

Paula Abdul, you are an overmedicated fool and need help, but I love you for your recent comments about Ryan And Teri on Leno!!

Is AI Almost "Memories" for Paris Bennet?

Oh, nurses! Well, well, well, the time has come for me to talk about a number of American Idol-related thingiess. First of all, would you just LOOK at this picture. Look at all these monkeys smiling at the camera like they just graduated from hair school, and look at Kat McPhee, gazing with wit and feisty beauty. DIVINE!

And now, to the judges. Y'all ARE WRONG. WRONG. First of all, Paula Abdul, you are just too drunk. You are about to teeter off yo' platform when you're spinnin' those arms and flailing at Cowell. Second, stop fueding with Ryan. No one wants to see that. Third, what were all y'all smokin' last night cuz yo' comments was all manner of shit. To be more specific:

KAT - You know those performances that the judges praise and then watch back and on results they're like "On second though. . . It didn't work on TV." I can only assume THE OPPOSITE will happen, cuz the judges were harsh as shit to my lovely wonder and, here at home, it was looking damn good. Finally, a dress that shows off your figure (and what a figure!). Finally, a performance where you get to be lively and aggressive but remain in control. And, really judges, anything you say about Whitney Houston and whether or not one can compare to her is moot because she turned out to SIT IN HER BATHROOM ON HER VIBRATOR ALL DAY SMOKING CRACK. "I Have Nothing," indeed. I also suspect the judges would not have been so harsh if they'd know the mighty river of shit that was to follow.

ELLIOT - It was a fine effort for you, Elliot. You continue to grow and mature. Although judging from Paula's reaction to your "A Song for You" she might want to mature you a little more. For me? I thought you lost intensit about halfway through.

PICKLER - Useless! Nasal, off-key and endlessly boring. And you look like someone just stapled some rhinestones to your titties! Go away, Pickler! Stop stealing votes from people who can sing?

PARIS - The elderly women who live in Paris' weave continue to sing on her behalf, however this week's is an aging over-the-top cabaret singer with facial palsy who rolls each word around in her mouth like someone trying to taste for individual sperm in a load. It was just ok for me, dawg.

TAYLOR - You lost your charm for me a long time ago, sweetie. You have also proved that "Once" is a very ugly sounding word and should certainly not be used repeatedly in a song and especially not held. Again with the starting small and ending big but the small wasn't solid enough and the big wasn't big enough. I really hope the soul patrol develops carpal tunnel and can't dial.

CHRIS - Please do not perform with guitar players flanking you like El Hombre Mucho Macho. Please do not sing the worst song ever writted 'Have You Ever Really (reallly really really really really ever really ever ever really) Loved a [Va-Jay-Jay Possessor]?" And, I'm sorry, I know you found it annoying but you really did sing better when they made you lie down. So lie down already. And stay there. And gently spread your legs, it won't hurt at all. . . What? Who? Where?

All I have to say is that if Kat goes home tonight because those crack faced loser producers put her first knowing she wouldn't be quite as good as last week (hard to live up to) and knowing the judges could only give her negative critcism if they had not first seen the shitty shitty shit shit to follow, someone will be punished. I'm gonna say Paris or Elliot based on the fact that they both have small fan followings and even great performances (which Paris' was not so much) couldn't save them.

DON'T FUCK WITH ME, BITCHES, THIS IS NOT MY FIRST TIME TAKING REVENGE ON A REALITY SHOW!

Vanna White is a two-timing whore

while congratulations are in order for vanna getting her star on the walk of fame, i hope she can spell our T-W-O T-I-M-I-N-G because while watching my daily dose of wheel of fortune, miss all beef patty likes to switch to access hollywood during commercials. who happened to be on yesterday, but miss vanna. it wasn't a very hard decision to pick which vanna i wanted to see. the one who can barely spit out, "lights....camera....ACCESS!" or the one who pushes lit monitors and claps for ignant people who say letters that have already been said. i chose the latter. i don't really think you're a whore vanna. you're who i aspired to be when i was little, after all. my mother's pumps never looked quite like the ones you wore. thanks for making me queer vanna.