Caption It #28: The Results!

Y'all went to town on Miss Dickinson! No, not really . . . I know all your fags and fagettes worship her too much to be nasty. But y'all were funny. Here's what you said:

3rd Place Goes to M, who said, "Britney's baby is in that bag!"

2nd Place to Anonymous, who said, "I wanted them firmer, but I didn't think he was gonna fill 'em with lead!"

And first place to the inimitable Miss All Beef Patty, who said, "Tyra would be nothing without lil ol me...and if she doesn't give me credit, i will FART ON HER FACE!"

Dolly Would...

NURSES!
Welcome to the first ever "Dolly Would" where I tell you what I would do and since I am the best bitch in town, you should too!
Call this number, it won't disappoint.
Who: The Lunch Lady
What: This is the lunch lady and she tells y'all what's on the menu at this old folks home in San Francisco.
510-351-7654
Love,
Miss Dolly

Caption It #28!

In honor of Her Royal Highness Janice Dickinson's new tv show on Oh! Network — The Janice Dickinson Modelling Agency — we offer "The World's First Supermodel" for this exciting edition of CAPTION IT! Go, bitches, go!

Here's Your Top Two, America!

Well, kids, here they are, and not a bad final two at that. Kat McPhee, you can do this, you can win American Idol. Here's some advice straight from Ginger.

1. Never sing "Think" again. We understand, they made you sing it on the CD. They own the rights. We get it. It ain't your strong suit. Don't do it.

2. When they ask you how you liked going home, do not use the word "boring." Do not shrug. Do not say "even if not that many people came out for me." We get it, you live in LA. People don't get excited if you increase your cup size four letters. But middle America still wants to see you hoot 'n holler like you're from Sweet Home Alabama.

3. Sabotage. Gently suggest that Taylor pick bad songs. Not bad enought hat he wins sympathy. Just bad enough that he's not worth voting for. Also, if you put eyedrops in his water bottle before he goes on he'll have terrific diarreah in time for the closing number. I'm not recommending it. I'm just saying.

4. Just sing the song. They gonna give you a shitty song, nurse. It's almost always a shitty song, the so-called "Idol Single." And you gonna be tempted to tart it up like Li'l Kim putting stickers on her titties. Do not under any circumstances, do this. A little fun here and there is fine, but show restraint. And limit dancing. Perform as often as possible on your knees or on the floor. (Look how well it worked for Madonna!)

5. KEEP YOUR HAIR OUT YOUR FACE. You know what i'm saying.

Good luck, girlina. I can't wait to buy your album, either way!

All right, bitches, who's our American Idol? Let me hear it! Shecrest out!!!

M's Fagulous Week In Review (via haikus)

This is normally a Friday feature but since i will be MIA (actually missing in action...not the Sri Lanken rapper), you get it early!

Enjoy!

Do we like the haiku format?

Thoughts in comments pleeeez.

10.
McCartney and wife
split without pre-nup, ya should
have trusted Kanye!

9.
Nicole and Keith to
tie the knot, a baby boy
to be named Urbman?

8.
Da Vinci Code shred
at Cannes, Audrey Tautou is
still so goddamn cute.

7.
Britney leaves Sean Pres-
ton in back seat unattend-
ed; the sky is blue.

6.
Christina posing
nude in GQ, Barbie dolls
everywhere feel fat.

5.
Katie lets papa-
rrazzi photograph her al-
ien belly: YIKES!!!

4.
Kat and Taylor to
fight it out next week: Sexy
versus Fat Grandpa.

3.
Paris and Linds an-
nounce catfight, millions of men
grow instant hard-ons.

2.
Lance and Reichen won't
announce that they are fags and
now we HATE THEM BOTH!!

1.
Tom Welling is so
much hotter than Ashton, WHAT
ARE YOU FOOLS THINKING????

Dolly Sez: Anderson Cooper = Gay Mamma's Boy

Dear Loyal Readers,
I recently had an email from a fan askin me about my thoughts on Anderson Cooper. Well, I reckon bein that Vanity Fair has him as their upfront bitch of the month, its a perfect time for Miss Dolly to rip his head off and puke down his neck.
Now, I know some of you fags out there probably get all hot a bothered when the silver fox hits the TV every night, but lemme tell y'all somethin: Anderson Cooper may be as hot as the sweat on his ass when he works out, but he is turning into an overexposed spoilt brat. Have y'all seen the Oedipus complex photo by Annie in VF? (up on the left) I'm scared! By the way: Gloria honey, with all the money you got, put some shoes on girl - we don't wanna see your crooked ass feet! They all kina twisted up from too many years of walkin up and down Madison and Park Aves. This picture is nothin' short of fuckin weird.
Known most recently as the white boy championing the poor blacks of New Orleans which was wonderful, Anderson then broke down in tears and then into a sprint and ran all the way up to West Virginia to get the news ALL WRONG about the coal miners. (In a nutshell: Rejoice my brothers and sisters! THEY'RE ALIVE!!!Praise Jesus!...........just kiddin they're all dead except one). The problem I have with Anderson of late is that he runs all over the nation like a chicken less a head! Okay Anderson we get it - you can somehow be on location here, then on location there, and then on location again over there and then up there. On Tuesday night, as Miss Dolly sat in her pink recliner and watched Anderson on location at the Mexican Border, with all kina weird camera angles like one that shot up at his NOSE while he stood on a ROCK (he's only like 5 feet tall, ladies) I started yelling at the TV set and found myself rollin my eyes constantly. Why is he tryin so hard to impress America? What happened to the Anderson we knew and loved? Is he now a small black woman with grey hair livin in New Orleans? AC's ratings have dropped 36 percent.
Anderson, Miss Dolly thinks people are gettin sick of you doin stories from the opening of your tent flap. Unless you are inviting us in for a tumble in the sleeping bag, then get the fuck back in the studio where you belong and where the lighting is better. Do an on location next time a hurricane strikes and believe Miss Dolly - there will be one in like the next ten seconds so just calm the fuck down. Ander honey, we wanna see you get blown by a hurricane or maybe even by your obvious boytoy weatherman Rob Marciano: http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/marciano.rob.html
Have y'all ever seen a weatherman's career skyrocket so fast before? Miss Dolly likes to think about what happened there. Anderbaby, if you want your ratings back, stop followin the crowd (and why would you wanna be behind Larry King anyway? I heard he's a farter) and do those inspirational stories that made you CNN's boy wonder! One more thing: Anderson Cooper will NEVER be fagulous in Miss Dolly's eyes unless he shows some of what Rob is gettin and comes out to America. Miss Dolly would love to know what you think about Anderson. Post away kids!
You may also wanna check out this hilarious AC blog. Love the "Anderlove" shit: http://andersoncooperblog.blogspot.com/
Love,
Miss Dolly

Kat McPhee Sings the Gay National Anthem and the Corpse of Clive Davis Lives!

Well, kids, I'll admit that by the time Idol started, we had finished the vodka and moved onto the rum, but considering the way I was hurling myself about the room - even with all that sedation - I can only imagine that I would have launched into orbit had I been sober. As for the evening? Well the still-animated corpse of Clive Davis showed up to not do anyone any favors, the judges were unusually harsh to Katharine on all but one song (I suspect to make sure she gets plenty of defenders to vote and push her over Goat Boy), and, after listening to the tracks again, I think it's finally happened: I may be a fan of Taylor Hicks. All right, let's run 'em down:

A LADY DOESN'T WANDER ALL OVER THE ROOM AND BLOW ON SOME OTHER GUY'S DICE, YOU DRUNKEN MANIAC
Yes, even Paula Abdul, abandoned her professed favorite Elliot to dance with Taylor this week, and it's not hard to see why. While certainly not offering the mind-crushing boredom of some past performances or the whitney houston sitting on a vibrator while smoking crack runs of others, it was not, suffice it to say, his best night. There's apparently a lot of hate going on around the Internet for his rendition of "Open Arms" but to me at least I could recognize the song in there, unlike his performance of the Paula Abdul-chosen "What You Won't Do for Love" which was more all-over-the-place than Anna Nicole Smith's cleavage or his own choice "I Believe to My Soul," where it seemed that the cameramen finally had enough of Elliot's face and pulled back for a dizzying array of wide shots while Elliot bleated and woofed all alone center stage.

LESS BAD SINGING THAT MAKES BAD SONGS LESS SO DOES NOT AN IDOL MAKE
Oy, with the crowning of Taylor the Idol already. I felt like his opening salvo of "Dancing in the Dark" was entirely forgettable - more of the same warble and wobble that always reminds me of Anna Nicole trying not to go to the dentist on her show. (Two Anna Nicole references in one article, I know, but I was drunk so I was feely kinship - btw HOLLA AT WINNING THE MONEY, GIRL!) But then Randy's choice, the obnoxious and cloying "You Are Beautiful" and his own choice "Try a Little Tenderness" - well let's just say I was surprised. Because I hate these songs. I hate these songs like I hate plantars worts and finding hairs in my food and close-talkers with unconscionably bad breath. And yet, surprisingly restrained performances from Taylor made them listenable. I'm not gonna go all the way to enjoyable. But listenable and memorable even. I hate myself for accepting you . . . but I do look forward to seeing the salt come out of the pepper next week, if rumors prove true! Dye, Taylor! Dye!

I BELIEVE SHE CAN FLY OVER THE RAINBOW OR ANYWHERE THE HELL ELSE SHE WANTS
Fans of Kat McPhee who rushed to support her last week after she faltered a bit with the songs of the King were rewarded richly tonight. Though Night of the Living Davis chose the more played out than Happy Birthday "I Believe I Can Fly," she held back a bit, vocalizing at choice parts for a performance that sounded different, even if it didn't feel like a total homerun. This was, of course, just fine because Kat read my mind and performed the seldom heard introduction to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" while luxuriating in a pool of spotlight and channeling Eva Cassidy in the best ways, which led to the judges flipping out with praise. Such flipping would be entirely reversed as they pooh-poohed Kat's lovely performance of the awesome song "Ain't Got Nothing but the Blues" which I always wanted to sing on idol and which I first heard sung with total perfection by Tonya Pinkins on Broadway in "Play On." While I might have preferred to hear her sing it slower, still behind a microphone in a huge dress with train and a flower in her hair, her jazzy, snazzy version suited me just fine.

So, my lovelyl 'Mos, 'Bos and 'Ros, who do you think will bite the big one tonight?

Hump Day Humps #1: Ashton vs. Tom

Welcome errbody to Miss All Beef Patty's new weekly installment titled Hump Day Humps. It's quite simple really. I put up two candidates who I think are pretty equal in all around delisciousness and you let Miss Patty know which one you'd rather hump?

This week I'm pitting Tom Welling against Ashton Kutcher. In the first picture you'll notice that they actually modelled together for Abercrombie & Fitch. The other pictures are them now. Oooohhhh gurl. Theys is like a fine box wine, only gettin better with age if I do say so myself. So who will it be? Superman or Mr. Demi?




Oh, and no saying both of them bitches. You pick one and only one and hump him all da hell you want.

The Closet Door Is Open; COME OUT COME OUT COME OUT!

Ok, I'm sick of this nonsense already.

Enough is enough.

Seacrest and Lance Friggin Bass: YOUR TIME HAS COME!

Paula Abdul, Teri Hatcher and Simon Cowell have all gone on late-night talk shows in the past few weeks, separately blasting Ryan. Teri said that Ryan and her shared a kiss for the paparrazzi and then he disappeared never to be heard of again. Simon said that while Playgirl offered contestant Ace Young $100,000 to pose for Playgirl, Ryan Seacrest 'offered him $200,000'. Paula explained how Ryan would make out in the mirror if he wasn't being watched.

Ryan, we are not as dumb as you might believe we are. We can put 2 and 2 together.. or in your case, a Versace blazer and D&G jeans. In case you didn't already know this about yourself, you are gay. You are gayer than gay. You are THEEE Gay. You may call yourself metrosexual but homo has a better ring to it... kinda like the ring you wear around your dick when you are jerking off to photos of Chris Daughtry. You ain't foolin' this fag.

Moving on...

Lance Bass.

Lance Bass takes it up the ass.

Lance Bass has been spotted with faghags such as Shannon Elizabeth and some other no-names WHILE HIS BOYFRIEND REICHEN IS ON THE OPPOSING END OF THE GROUP CIRCLE! (thank you, Perez!)

You've got to be kidding me!

They also have the nerve to walk hand in hand while the photogs are out of sight and literally RUN TO THE NEAREST GIRL when the cameras are in clear view.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

From the first moment that *Nsync entered the spotlight, it was all too clear.. err, i mean queer!

When one of the Fagulous crew finds you out at our local gay watering hole, you better believe we will spill a drink on you. Unless you come in with Reichen and the both of you are wearing one of those 'Pitcher/Catcher' matching t-shirts. Then, we will forgive you.

Love List #8 Marcia Cross aka Kimberbree

This just in, "Marcia Cross likes to trim her bush."

Guuurrrllll, I can't get enough of this woman and luckily it seems like she ain't leavin any time soon. My history with Marcia Cross goes back more than a decade.

As a confused boy, I grew up with Dr. Kimberly Shaw. A doctor who happened to live at Melrose Place and brought a new meaning of drama into all our lives. She taught me how to burn down apartment complexes, cover up lobotomy scars with wigs, cover up the pain by drinking, etc...

As a fierce bitch, Miss All Beef Patty is proud to see that my baby mama transformed herself into Ms. Bree Van De Kamp. Now ain't that a scurry name ... VAN DE KAMP. Sounds like some suburban, crazy ho who is gonna beat you with a tennis racket, get it restrung and then beat you all over again only beacuse you forgot to compliment her on her muffins. Turns out her character Bree is exactly this and also very similar to Dr. Shaw. After only two seasons, Ms. Bree don't mess around neither. She's already had a drinkin problem, let a man die when she could have saved him and dropped her nasty little homosexual child in the middle of nowhere, wait a sec, now as a follower of the Church of Homosexual-anity, I don't say nasty because he is homosexual but because when you see that Van De Kamp boy's face on one of your rich friends HiDef TV thingamajigs, its just plain nasty, along with Teri Clark's pothole face of a daughter. But back to Ms. Bree. On top of all of these things, we most recently learned that Ms. Bree is about to make a trip to the mental institution.

So here is a big thank you Ms. Cross for keeping true to yoself. You just crazy. Lord knows both of them shows wouldn't last near as long had you not been on them. We love you miss thang. I'll leave with the words of Jan Brady, because I know the words on errbody's lips is "Marcia Marcia Marcia." You prune whatever the hell hedges you want.

Bitch, Read! #2: Queen of the Oddballs

Hi, nurses! I know it's been a little while since my last, "Bitch, Read!" and I promise that in the future, they'll be coming at you more fast and furious than a cow at Helen Hunt's face. In fact, in the intervening time I've read most of three books, but since I'm still finishing two, I'll talk about the one I just breezed through.

Queen of the Oddballs is Hillary Carlip's fun, fun, F-U-N melding of autobiography and its cousin, the based on a true story vignette (practiced by such excellent authors as David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs). The result is a roller-coaster ride through the latter half of the twentieth century that will have you laughing, learning and living alongside our heroine.

As time tumbles forward, Hillary pauses at the beginning of each chapter to update us on the pop culture of the moment (she's to be commended for these concise bullet-point updates that really give a sense of the changing face of pop culture and politics), but the real fun begins when the camera pushes up close for a portrait of Hillary — as a young girl doing a truly extraordinary job of stalking Carly Simon and Carol King, as a politically-active teenager coming to terms with her body image, and - more recently - as a victim of Miss Oprah Winfrey! (As a man with an admitted fondness for big O, I found it fascinating to read about someone with a legitimate beef against her. No cattlemen pun intended!)

Perhaps it shouldn't be surprising that such a wonderful step forward in the artistry of personal memoir should come to us from Carlip, the motivating force behind FreshYarn: An Online Salon for Personal Essays. You can learn more about this extraordinary woman (and her extraordinary life and work) at www.HillaryCarlip.com.