Bitch, Read! #4: Television Without Pity

Welcome, nurses, to a very special edition of "Bitch, Read!" Now this bitch has been doing all manner of reading and I'm getting ready to tell y'all what it's all about real soon. But before I get back to actual books, I just had to devote an episode of this here festival of learnin' to my favorite web site of all time. Other than, of course, The Fagulous Blog. And SeanCody.com, for obvious reasons. It's TelevisionWithoutPity.com.

Y'all know how much I love both the reading and the television and the sarcastic bitchery. Like a Long Island Iced Tea, this superior site mixes this wildly different intoxicants into a refreshing beverage of entertainment. Recent upgrades that make the site easier to navigate than ever, and their partnership with the Yahoo! people means it should be around for a long time to come (but fortunately there's been no evidence of corporate censorship that strangles anything fagulous until you believe thatBrini Maxwell is the ultimate drag queen.)

Yes, they're still using their unmistakable brand of snark to recap TV's most talked-about shows. It's sort of like sitting there and watching the show with your best bitchy friend but not having to tell him to shut up because you're losing track of what's going on. Every important detail preserved, every piece of dialogue mocked, every great performance given a "You Go Girl!" every moment of blatant reality tv pandering run through with rapier wit! I just cannot do justice to it's Fagulosity. And, in other great TWoP news, they've got a fab slate of summer shows including Bridezillas, Big Brother All Stars and the best new show of summer, THE JANICE DICKINSON MODELING AGENCY!

So what are you waiting for? Bitch, Read!

Fagulous Week In Review - 6/16

Britney goes on Matt Lauer to talk about her life
K-Fed, the baby, the rumors, oy, all that strife!
The reason for all her questionable parenting skills: "I'm country!"
Matt Lauer was secretly thinking, get this interview over and fly me back to New York City!

'Cars' makes a splashing debut
'Lake House' out this weekend, I think it looks terrible, don't you?
Mandy Moore and Zack Braff call it quits
Toni Braxton sings the national anthem and oops! she let the girls slip

World Cup madness is everywhere!
Most teams have some hideous-looking stars, to what will we stare?
I guess we can always just admire their back sides
Unfortunately, I haven't heard of any teams offering free rides!

Angie and Brad are back in LA
J-Lo marches in the Puerto Rican Day Parade
Looking stupid as usual with Marc Anthony by her side
Sandra Bullock preggers? You decide!

This concludes another week in review
Slow news week for some reason...oh wait, there's this story too!
50 pounds of marijuana found in a cabinet at Home Depot earlier this week
The owners would only comment with: "Bitch, get me the new Grateful Dead CD!"

Love List #10: Rachel McAdams

Ooooohhhh guurrlllll! I just recently saw this here movie called "The Family is Stoned" with young Ms. Rachel and I tell you what...that gurl is sumthin else. I first seen her in "Mean Bitches" with that cracked Lulu Lohan. She stole the show then too. I likeded her in "Wedding Crashers" as well. "The Notebook" was ah-ite. I admits it, Ms. Patty cried. Only because that handsome boy had to age and cuz they both dieded at the ends. Thay ain't much more to say about this young vixen though. Just that she fabulous. Look out for her in the new movie "Marriage" which is about an adulterous mans who plots his ho's death instead of putting her through the humiliation of a divorce. She prolly gonna be the daughter or sumthin but shoot, you knows I'm excited. Oh and get this, her rull name is Rachel MACAdams, but she just fancy, so she changeded the Mac to Mc. That's just fancy is what that is.

Muscle Political Definition #1: Spin

All right, bitches, it's time, once again, to do that thing we love to do here on the FAGulous blog, and that's to introduce a feature newer than the fake titties of your Aunt Barbara da Stewardess. Now we're not bitches to shove politics down peopleses throats, oh HELL no! We got much better things to shove down their throats. Nevertheless, it's a political world, and somebody's got to jibber-jabber on about it in a way that's entertaining, cuz dat's the only way all y'alls will listen. (Prime Example: Jon Stewart. And I do mean prime. Mmm, I would go off my diet for some Prime Stewart, served au jus, y'all! Aw, hell, you know I'm lyin'. I don't diet. Call me, Jon).

Anyway, I wanted to start us off by addressing something that fans of the West Wing know a whole lot about: spin. Spin, like that old FAG in the wig and pearl earrings and hawaiin shirt on her fourth martini at the end of the pianobar, has nothing to with the truth. (Speaking of which, Call me Stephen Colbert!) Like a botched collagen injection, what happens happens. Ain't nothing ATALL to be done 'bout it. But either side (usually the conservatives vs. the liberals) comes out and pretends that EXACTLY what they wanted to happen did happen and will talk at length about why that is. Republicans own the world because they have a secret meeting in Washington (and I am SO not kidding about this, y'all) where they decide what everybody is going to say no matter what happens on ALL the TV talk shows. Democrats do not do this for some reason. Why? Ask Miss Hillary.

The lovely Katie Couric, who has at last realized that there was never ANYTHING IN THE WORLD MORE DEGRADING than hosting those today show fashion briefs (presented with all the style and grace of orallly contracted Chlamydia) is moving on over to host the CBS evening news. She wants to shake things up, and I think she's right to, considering we now live in a world where Bill O'Reilly is considered an important figure in news rather than a potential lead for a revival of the Captain Kangaroo show. Here's a little quote from CNN about what she wants to do: "Couric said she thinks that the media are 'held captive by spin,' choosing to repeat 'two separate spins' rather than search for the facts in a story."

Now I know that's a lot of times to use the word "spin" so I'm gonna simplify it for all y'all. Let's say that there are two drag queens, let's call them Bunny and Humper. And they are found, locked in Lips Nightclub with a third drag queen, let's call her DeadBitch. When the police find them, they both say, "DeadBitch was a dear, dear friend, and I am both shocked by her death and sure she was done in by that other queen." Miss Katie Couric is saying that, nowadays, the press will show up and say. "Hi, I'm here with Bunny, who says she didn't do the shit. And I'm also here with Humper, who also says she didn't do the shit. Who did the shit? The world may never know!" And Miss Katie wants to come on and say, "Hey, y'all. I'm here with these two bitches, and one of these bitches is lying like Pat Sajak's rug. They both said they didn't do it, but I sent an intern to check Miss Bunny's bag and found all manner of poison in there that would cause a ho to shit herself to death like DeadBitch did. And that's the TROOF!"

Frankly, I say, you go Katie. If I need spin, I'll find some poppers!

You Caption It #33

Go ahead, express yourselves.
(from madonnalicous)

THIRD PLACE, RANDYRANDY SAID... "MILF"
SECOND PLACE, MISS ALL BEEF PATTY SAID.. "pfffttttt" forbidden beans"

FIRST PLACE, evelina69 said... "Nine inches is one thing, but that will not fit up my ass."