Cross-Gender Rape?

Hey Y'all,

What's even better than the fact that an all new production of my naughty backstage sex comedy "The Rape of the Lock" is premiering this Thursday September 11?

THE FACT THAT IT'S A CROSS-GENDER CAST!

Yes, that's right. Pope's a lady, the Baron's missing a sword and Belinda is wearing a wig for a whole new reason. (But Jews and Arabs would still worship her cross where it rests, just because the cross rests on the cleft of her breasts!)

Featuring: ALL NEW MATERIAL!

And don't forget old favorites like: POPE TELLING BELINDA WHAT TO DO SHOULD SHE FIND HERSELF BEING FISTED!

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out this nifty synopsis provided by the producers:

THE RAPE OF THE LOCK
In this theatricalization of his classic 18th Century epic poem, Alexander Pope is portrayed as the crankiest playwright ever, as five actors alternately suffer under and subvert his tyrannical direction. The "lock" in question is a precious, perfect, curly lock of hair on the lovely and vain Belinda's head, and the "rape" of that lock by the lustful and determined Baron involves not only a pair of scissors, but an inevitable trail of gossip, jealousy, rivalry, seduction, conquest, and revenge.

WHEN & WHERE
September 11-28, Thurs - Sat @ 8pm, Sun @ 2pm
Duo Theatre
62 East 4th Street (Betw. Bowery and 2nd Ave)
Subways: 6, N, R, W, F, V, B, D

DISCOUNT TICKETS
Use code BOGO - Buy one full price get the second one at half off! (reg. $19). Offer available only on Friday and Saturday evenings. Call 212-592-1885.

Get More Info

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE PRODUCTION COMPANY AT
www.judithshakespeare.org

XOXO,
PAUL HAGEN

WANT MORE RIGHT NOW?
Tune in for a great podcast with Joanne Zipay, Paul Hagen, and Martin Denton on NYTheatre.com:
(Did I recite Belinda's monologue off the cuff? Oh, yes I did.)
http://www.nytheatrecast.com/wordpress/archives/134

Check out Jane Titus in a short video snippet talking about the show on StageBuddy.com:
(Jane is our fabulous director!)
http://stagebuddy.com/listingdetail.php?lid=84

Pass the Cheesecake, Ma!

Hey Nurses!
Time to dust this blog off! I couldn't help but do a post about our favorite girls - no, not Samantha, Charlotte, Carrie and the lesbian red head, THE GOLDEN GIRLS!!!!
Yep, they took the TV Land Awards by storm this week with a powerful rendition of "I Will Survive" – ummmm yeah. What they did do was receive a much deserved Pop Culture Icon Award. Congrats ladies! Keep being our friends – I’d travel down that road and back again with you any day, Betty. For your enjoyment, here are some photos. Bea Arthur’s choice of footwear was unfortunate, but she is 86 so she can do whatever the hell she wants (except wear flip-flops).

Happy New Year, Nurses!

Let me be the first nurse here to wish y'all a happy, healthy, and (yes) fagulous 2008!
Here's my pick for the New Baby New Year.
Have fun tonight!

love
-d.

Albus, that's a FABULOUS hat!

At a recent Carnegie Hall appearance, J.K. Rowling revealed to a packed house that Dumbledore was gay. She just flat out said it. And apparently, he'd had an unrequited love of Grindelwald. That explains so much for me. That nurse was an old queen! Hee!(Tim Gunn as Albus Dumbledore)

You can knock on my door anytime...

Whoah Nurses!

Just saw this on Huffington Post and was immediately...erm...titillated. God (apologies to ya, baby) only knows how many "I corrupt a pair of Mormon missionaries who knock on my door just as I'm getting out of the shower" fantasies I've had in my life (2, 345 and counting). Apparently, he/she heard me, and has sent a bromide in the form of this calendar. See what happens when recently returned, hunky Mormon missionaries fall into a vat of bronzer, get waxed into pre-pubescence, and airbrushed into Star-Trek-Alien-Chick-esque mistiness. This has only poured kerosene on the section of my loins that already burns for the Latter Day Lads, but I'll learn to live with the pain. Enjoy!




(Incidentally, given the music choice for this video, I find myself scratching my head about who could possibly be their target demographic...)

ps. Matt -- "TOO FAT, TOO HAAAAIRY!"

Big Gold Phalluses will light your way... (Fagulous?)

Yes, Nurses...

I sadly depart NYC for Chicago this week, after 5 years of creating filthy, gorgeous art with Ginger and others, and also starving (which is how I keep my girlish figure, really). I will, of course, be looking out for some fagulousness there to report on, as the de facto midwest Nurse-on-the-Scene.

I will begin by pointing out that the part of Lakeview East that is primarily home to "the gay" in Chicago is called Boystown. Boystown underwent some major reconstruction in the late 90's (much like Rocco DiSpirito...did you notice how pretty he was on Top Chef...mmm, bet there's some bigass ear scars on that nurse, mkay). In planning for the beautification, the city thought that the best way to "celebrate" the "queers" would be to "erect" 11 pairs of art deco penises, adorned with rainbow rings (remember those!?).
So these giant gold penises, adorned with severely dated fashion accessories, mark where the gays are, and, apparently, would be really helpful if you needed to land a small plane on Halsted St.

So I'm off, y'all, but I'll be back periodically for the next two years, and probably more permanently after that. I'll miss you all, but we always have The Fagulous Blog.

Also, for anyone bored enough to want to check it out, I'll be blogging periodically from by Splurnberry in the Uhaul during my cross-half-the-country trek at driouxcipher.blogspot.com .

love and big sloppy kisses...

UPDATE: Rocco guest blogged for Padma (who is busy divorcing Salman Rushdie) this week and denied having work done. Said he lost 30 pounds getting ready for a triathlon. Would that it were...

(LINKS: Bravo, USAToday)

Good Night, Tammy

Ladies and Gentlemen and Others, let us all take a moment to remember Tammy Faye, who was - in her way - quite fagulous. Wherever her spirit has travelled, we send her our love.


Tammy Faye Messner
1942 - 2007

IDOLFAN666: THIS IS SO EFFING GREAT!

Y'all.

Y'all. Y'all. Y'all.

I have a new nominee for most worthless thing on the internet, and it is this interview - via AIM -with American Idol winner Jordin Sparks.

Really and truly, I just kept reading because I fell into the trap of believing that in order for something to be published by a major media outlet, it must contain some sort of content, but there is no light at the end of this empty, empty tunnel.

I warn you; you may get sucked into the vapidity.

The Doctor is OUT!

Doctor Who is cool again. It is also considerably queerer than it ever was in its long-wool-scarf/wobbly-spaceship-walls heyday in the 70's. Consider for a moment:

-- "Queer as Folk" creator Russell T Davies brought the franchise back and is the head writer, script editor and executive producer. He is a big Welsh nurse of a queen.

-- Star David Tennant has injected a welcome dose of hipster-hotness to the role.







-- Broadway-musical star (and giant 'mo) John Barrowman plays a recurring character who will sleep with ANYONE or ANYTHING!


But also, please consider that the programme's legions and legions of gay male fans are finally getting their due at the fagulous London Pride festivities:

"As reported by PinkNews, the final episode of Series Three of Doctor Who, The Last of the Time Lords, is being broadcast on the same day as the London Pride Festival...
Organizers of the event, in an effort to not make gay Who fans choose between the annual celebration,... plan to carry the live BBC broadcast of the episode at 7:10 p.m. on a big screen at the event's main stage in Trafalgar Square. And if that's not enough to get gay fans out to the event, they've also arranged to have John Barrowman co-host the event with Graham Norton. The event kicks off at 3:00 following the Pride parade through town and concludes with the broadcast of [the Series Three finale]."

The fagulosity (Barrowman AND Graham Norton!?!) and sheer geekiness of this event nearly puts me over the edge.

Ah...to be in England...in the summertime...with Doctor Who...and a sea of 'mos...
What bliss!



(News clipping courtesy of Outpost Gallifrey. Photos from Auntie Beeb.)

The Kelly Clarkson Debate

Miss Kelly, at her best, is a spectacular vocalist. I think even her first and less listened-to album "Thankful" is a great album to listen to - whatever you think about the quality of the songs themselves - because she sang the shit out of them. I must admit nurses, though, that I'm perplexed by this situation with her managers and her fued with Clive Davis. Here's why...

A) I've been listening to tracks from the new and hotly contested album "My December" on AOL first listen and I have to say they sound like B-sides from Breakaway. Does "Never Agiain" not sound like a poor man's Since U Been Gone? And does it not make a certain amount of NO SENSE? Like how one minute she'll be with you forever and then the next moment you're never gonna have her again? Perhaps if the song was titled Spectral-Ex-Girlfriend-With-Mixed-Motives I would give more of a shit.

B) I really don't approve of Kelly constantly singing these songs that damage her voice. Did you hear her attempting to perform "Since U Been Gone" at the Olympics? She's just screeching; no sound is able to come out. I understood one album of angry girl songs but maybe she really did all she could with that and now it's time for her to pull a Christina and morph into Baby Jane?

C) People keep assuming that this brush up is about Clive Davis to not want Kelly to write her own songs, as though he were in some way anti-Kelly as a writing artist, a Mr. Burns going "mwoo-ha-ha" as he denied her the right to express herself. But could it be that the songs she worked on just turned out to be not that good? And considering that his obligation as a producer is to sell albums to people who liked her singing a higher caliber song, why shouldn't he object? And considering the new album isn't as good, why shouldn't her fans object? And considering she's an artist, why shouldn't she do whatever the hell she wants anyway despite the objections of fans and producers because that's what artists do - they expore and sometimes it leads to hits and sometimes it leads to misses?

D) Why is this news? This is old as the struggle between art and commerce. When Amy Winehouse's label wants to fire her for vomitting on fans, that's news because she's doing something outrageous. When an evil corporate entity tries to squash an artist for expressing unpopular political opinions, that's news because that's outrageous. What's happening here seems like the age old push and pool of production companies wanting control and artists wanting freedom, and I just can't believe how I keep getting rooked into clicking on these headlines and then once again nothing that interesting has happened.

So, fagulous nurses, what do we think? Is anyone in the right here? Should we be ragging on Clive or Kelly or should we just stop paying so much attention?

It's a Homo Musical Spectacular!

"Ladies" and Ladies and Gentlemen (and Gentle "Men"),

I wrote and directed a show, y'all! And it's hilarious as watching someone you hate get hit by a bus right after they kicked your dog!

It's called "Fitz & Walloughs Get It in the End!" It's the story of two Kiki & Herb-esque cabaret stars who write all their own material based on the sudden and wierd murders of Fitz's many, many, many, many lovers. Check out FitzandWalloughs.com for more info about the pair and to hear sample songs (co-written by fagulous's own driouxcipher -who plays Walloughs - and Micah Bucey - who plays Fitz. You may remember them as Micah! and Drew? in our fagulous Fringe Festival show "The Only Thing Straight is My Jacket!") like their holiday favorite "Fuck Me for Christmas!"

Idol Musings (Reprise): I thought his name was San*gina*!

So it was a joke. That really was Sanjaya. Will Ferrell made him do it (!?) I'm sad, kind of, but I don't care enough to let it spoil my cocktail. And no...It's not a good thing, you whacking great poof!



PS. Still waiting on confirmation as to whether or not Simon is a 75-year-old Asian woman. Perhaps he's really WING!

PPS. If he is WING, what does that say about Ryan Seacrest's taste in men. And, ergo, Teri Hatcher's taste in men...and ergo...does that mean Teri Hatcher's a man? YOU DECIDE!

Idol Musings: Sanjaya as legitimate art?

I find myself confounded by this. But if this is true, it may be one of the greatest hoaxes perpetrated by an art-fag. What do YOU think?!
(vid courtesy TMZ)

Anti-Fagulous, or Why was this such unwatchable dreck?!

Bravo TV (Motto: Gayer than Logo) made me forget for a while that I am a complete snob when it comes to reality TV by putting Project Runway on the air. I was late to the festivities – jumping on the bandwagon during Season Three – but it goes without saying that Project Runway is decidedly fagulous, and yes…I watch a reality show now…
PR was followed immediately by Top Chef. Whilst all of the contestants wearing white – after Labor Day – for the entire season was much less glamourous, the show had good-looking men (nerdy/cute Ilan, hunky/handsome Sam), forced dramatic tension (the constant vilification of pixie-haired Marcel), some fabulous women (Ilia’s accent, Josie’s sheer dyke-itude, Padma’s face having been Botoxed™ into the next solar system, etc.), and competitors who had to execute tasks requiring skill and artistry. I felt, though not as visually stimulating, that it was certainly a worthy space filler for the PR-shaped-vacuum.

But So Then…

When I started seeing bus adverts for Top Design, I thought that one of two things was going to happen: (A) Bravo was going to have yet another watchable (and, clearly, at least faggy) time killer before Season Four or, (B) Bravo had squeezed the last drop of ambrosia from the udder of the HomoShow Cow, and Top Design was going to be the equivalent of a titty dry-heaving. Within moments of the first episode, I realized that the answer was a RESOUNDING (B).

Top Design dares you to look at it. Not in a cool, ballsy way, like The Shield. And not in a weird, arty way, like Carnivale. It dares you to look at it in the way that an open vat of medical waste dares you to look at it.

Look deep into the bloody mess…

Let’s begin at the beginning. Todd Oldham is a lovely man. I know this because you can tell from his unscripted moments, the fact that people I know have met him and said so, and that he hangs out with Amy Sedaris a lot. So, like, he must be cool. The producers apparently thought that the best thing to do with an all-‘round excellent person was to pump him full of Botox™ and make him read cuecards splattered with text that could not have sounded more strained were it emerging from a prolapsed rectum. Having given Todd a complete Nelly-ectomy, the producers then rounded up the most unlikable, whiny, spoiled, incompetent and totally unprofessional stable of “designers” to “compete” in this “whatever-it-is." All of them seemed to be lacking in at least three of the following areas:
• social skills
• collaborative abilities of any kind
• the capacity to tailor a room to a client’s needs
• dress sense
• personal hygiene
• an ego consistent with their talent
• artistic aptitude (one of them didn’t know how to paint(!))
• any sort of design capability
…and the list goes on. You think you’d need these things to…I dunno… BE AN INTERIOR DESIGNER?!?!!? Who the fuck cares about any of these obnoxious fucking people? Goil was the only one who seemed to have any sort of clear vision, and the means to actually execute that vision, and he got sent home three weeks before the end.
What’s the fucking point?!

And then there are the judges. I want to know how in the hell Kelly Wearstler can wear what she wears and judge ANYONE?! On one episode, she was wearing what can only be described as the unholy collision of a Dickensian mourning dress, Snow White’s puffy-sleeved corset-thing, and a tube top. Other times she has worn clothing that looked as though Vincent from Project Runway puked, and that puke designed her clothing (Thank you, Mr. Mamet!). Jonathan Adler doesn’t fare much better with his shockingly wide, day-glo ties (is that a quintuple Windsor?) and his constant refusal to match (colour/pattern/anything). These people are famous for their TASTE?!?!! It beggars the imagination! And I don’t even have time for Margaret’s shrill, pinched, librarian-in-a-wind-tunnel affectations. How can anyone take the opinions of these people seriously? It’s just an abortion. A giant star-child-from-2001-sized abortion.

So Now Then…

What should have been an exercise in some serious fagulosity winds up being nothing more than a bunch of tasteless judges appraising the work of obnoxious designers. I wouldn’t hire any of these people to design my worst enemy’s doghouse. The one person I cared about was poor, personality-neutered Todd, and that’s only because I was busy planning his escape routes.
What a fucking train wreck!
(Todd: A leather-clad extraction team, outfitted with emergency doses of fetish porn and amyl nitrate, is coming for you at the Pacific Design Center next week. We want you to live!)

UPDATE:
Bravo’s next reality show: Shear Genius – a hair-stylist competition hosted by motherfucking Jaclyn Smith, is on right now. All I can do is shake my head and sigh. The tombstone of Top Design casts its shadow over everything.

Tim and Heidi cannot arrive too soon!

Donna's Birthday

Happy Brithday Tori Spelling! One of the most talented actresses of our time. The lady is celebrating her 34th. My favorite quote from Miss Thang.

"Doesn't anybody here get it?
I'm not a lesbian, I don't
want to move to New Jersey...
and where's the cheese
where's the cheese on these goddamn fucking fries?" - Trick

Don't Cha Wanna Be In PCD?

Ohhh nurse. The Pussy Cat Doll's Present: The Search for the Next Doll. This might be Miss All Beef Patty's new favorite show. It is ridonkulous. Please check it out for the following reasons...

1. The bitches can't sing.
2. Some of da bitches can't dance.
3. A quality valued is the ability to be made-over cuz right now you look like shat.
4. Asia is a baby momma with a vocabulary the size of a Highlights magazine.
5. You hear things like, "my dream", "icon", "make me proud" and "the virus".
6. Mariela
7. None of these girls like each other.
8. Don't Cha is played on loop throughout the show.

I like Melissa and Mariela. If they don't win, gurl, I'ma gonna be pissed.

Here is a YouTube video of sexy men with PCD's "Hot Stuff"

Idol Me This: Ready to Call the Final 12

Well, nurses, I'm loving me some Idol. This year I even watched me those first few episodes when all the sad people sing to reaffirm my decision to never audition for this show, despite what I said when I was Drunk, Bitch. Anyway, we just saw the Top 10 Guys, and - I guess last week was some kind of fluke - but I finally can see a Final 6. And enough of the girls pulled it out like Mace on a Mugger last week to give us a good sense of them. So here's how we're gonna paint it, laides. Hope you like the shade:

For the BOYS, we're gonna go with...

Blake “Beatboxing his Way to Your Heart” Lewis
Brandon “The Backup Singer Who felt it for for Grandma” Rogers
Chris “The Timberlookalike who Made Jason Mraz Cool” Richardson
Sundance “Mustang Sally” Head
Phil “Leave Your Hat On, Please” Stacey
Chris “Who Jack Osbourne Ought to Have Been” Sligh

Meeting these GIRLS on the battlefield...
Lakisha “Look Out, Jennifer Hudson” Jones
Stephanie “Down On Your Knees” Edwards
Melinda “Shoulderpads” Doolittle
Sabrina “Sing the Song and as Many Other Notes as Possible” Sloan
Jordin “Gives Many Reasons to Stay Here” Sparks
Leslie “The Dogwalker” Hunt

Meaning we'll see these folks GOING HOME...
Haley “The Mannequin” Scarnato
Jared “Hot but Off Key” Cotter
Nicholas “Forgot the Words Last Year” Pedro
Alaina “You’ll Have to Get By On Your Looks” Alexander
AJ “So Gay It Hurts To Look Directly at You” Tabaldo
Antonella “Under the Jersey Shore Boardwalk” Barba
Gina “Idol Superfan” Glockseb
Sanjaya “Babyface” Malakar

POSSIBLE SPOILERS...
Sanjaya and Antonella, despite underwhelming performances, did huge numbers in terms of votes according to the pretty trustworthy folks over at DialIdol.com. That's indicative of the kind of "I don't care if you suck" fan base that keeps people like Jasmine Trias in this competition.

All right, Idolaters, tell me I'm wrong! You know you want to, you opinionated bitches...

Faginal Reconstruction

Kittens and Nurses and Bitches, Etc.,

Hey, all you fagulous fans out there. I just wanted to take a quick moment to let y'all know that we appreciate how patient you've been with us over the past few months. Major changes are underway at the Fagulous Blog; so we haven't had as much time to post as we'd like. But soon we'll be back with a revised cast of Fagulous Posters, who you'll get to know and love/hate more than ever, plus exciting new features that'll have you ejaculating prematurely, they're so spectacular! In the meantime, enjoy the Fagulous archives and what updates we manage to get up during this transitional period. Plus, post your suggestions, wish lists, criticisms, etc. right here, and we'll try to respond to 'em better than a baby-shakin' nanny.

Sloppy Blowjobs,
Ginger

American Idol 2007: The Pain! The Pain!

What's there to say about these first episodes of Idol? The misery seems more palpable than ever. Could it be that, faced with stadiums full of wanna-be's and — if the judge's publicity interviews are to be believed - the hugest collection of losers ever to parade past the cameras - that they're trying to spare some people heartache by scaring them away from auditions?

And speaking of "scary" and American Idol Has anyone checked out Kat McPhee's album preview on AOL's First Listen? Judge for yourselves, but I was a huge McPhee Phan last year and even I would rate these efforts as obnoxiously shiteous. But congrats on taking a page out of Tyred Banks' book with the album cover photo. (Soon they're gonna start attaching special strips of fabric to dresses for pulling them down over your crotch in spread-eagle publicity photos - there will be an entire episode of Project Runway dedicated to it!)

In better news, there are about four tracks on FANTASIA worth stepping in from the ledge for, and newly-Globed Jennifer Hudson's album is on its way! I couldn't really care less about the other releases from past contestants - anyone out there give half a shit about Daughtry's phenomenal success, Taylor's aural geritol or Pickler's putresence?

You Caption It #46

NORAH FRIGGIN' JONES!

You Caption It #45

She won't always be my baby lookin' like this!

HATE LIST #6: ADDLED ANDY ROONEY

Really, CBS? Really, did you need to start the finale of THE AMAZING RACE ten minutes late, ensuring that people everywhere who recorded the show miss the END OF THE ENTIRE SEASON, in order to show that crotchety, senile Andy Rooney air a mean-spirited segment about how much he hates the shit people send him.

First of all, sir, I appreciate that you've had a long career in television. But I think we'd all appreciate that you stop shitting all over your legacy with this hostile, angry ranting. The best part of the segment was watching Katie Couric attempt to hold back her vomit as she introduced what she clearly knew was an off-putting, ungracious, give-the-audience-the-finger, waste of video that was Andy Rooney's segment.

CBS and 60 Minutes, I know that sports run long and blah blah blah and I'm not suggesting you deny anyone their Overtime. I'm just saying, when you have the choice to alienate thousands of Amazing Race fans or air the oral diarrhea of the senile, perhaps you should hold the Roonster 'til next week. Considering his stuff is usually as current as Ye Olde Almanac, I'm sure we can all wait until next week to shudder as Andy assaults us with what he just doesn't get about this here wacky modern world.

Oh, and by the way, I did figure out to set my DVR to tape 15 minutes over because of your weekly shenanigans; so, yes, I DID get to see the end, and you're lucky it cut off the moment those model/addicts stepped on the carpet because I really don't mind missing out on that bitchy couple and those Alabama ladies talk about how they really don't mind losin' 'cept for the fact it would have been so much better to win. But if I hadn't seen the important part, I bet I could have thought of a few things you really wouldn't have wanted me to send you.

Heidi, Get Your Gunn!

Y'all!

What is it with these rumors that Tim Gunn is leaving Project Runway? This is a travesty!

And, as someone who has interviewed the man, I do know he is principled enough to let his obligations to Parsons come first. Only problem is: WE DON'T WANT THEM TO!

Project Runway, please do whatever you can to keep making it work with Mr. Gunn!

Tim, please do the same!

Go "straight" to the horse's mouth. Read what Bravo has to say about it.

What Was She Thinking?

Anyone who's ever pledged allegiance to the Fagulous Blog will know that we feel about Heidi Klum the way Catholics feel about the Virgin Mary. But somehow our dear Heidi has done something that neither we nor the Virgin Mary (I suspect) find very appealing: created the Christmas music video extravaganza "Wonderland."

The song sounds like it was written by a paranoid schizophrenic after a Christmas movie marathon and the video looks like a cross between the security camera at a recording studio, a promotional video for a ski resort and a photo shoot designed by Jay Manuel.

Click to watch it!

Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel Klum Seal . . . You're Out!

. . . of your mother, Supermodel and Host Heidi Klum!

Yes, the guy with the swoonworthy croon and the lady who welcomes you to the Runway have produced yet another genetically superior addition to the human race. Their first child, Henry, is already filming a reality series, taking acting and voice lessons and working on a first album and novel. His first step was, according to sources, "fierce."

Commenting on the birth, jet set American designer Michael Kors said, "Oh my god, it was like her vagina exploded all down the front of her dress! What that wasn't a dress?"

Nina Garcia, fashion director of Elle magazine, said, "You know, Heidi really disappointed me. A birth is supposed to be heartwarming and that's not what I saw on the runway today."

Guest judge Katie Holmes said, "At least she got to f*ckin scream!"